Challenge Me

Podcasts have become my thing as of late (especially since I’ve been fasting from my music, more on this in a later post).

I listened to one where the host talked about personal growth. She said there isn’t real growth in someone unless that someone perseveres through challenges.

I liked and hated this statement.

I liked it because yes, I’m all about growth and progress.

I hated it because, man…have I really grown that much, then?

I feel as if I want to give up right away when something becomes too stressful or challenging. I’m like a dandelion instead of an oak. Dust instead of stone.

I find comfort in running away from what scares me or from what is difficult.

Already I was thinking of excuses, thinking of instances when not persevering might be appropriate: Well what if _______ is really not for me and that’s why I’m struggling through it so much? That’s a good enough reason to quit, isn’t it?

While I do believe that has truth (e.g., grad school for me) I think there have been some things I shied away from purely because I didn’t want to struggle through them. I hate struggling. I mean, who doesn’t?

So I kind of cringe when things that are supposed to be encouraging and uplifting have the opposite affect on me. (Ughhh I really don’t want to watch this motivational video because I know I’ll feel a direct rebuke to my own drive and motivation.)

I know, what a baby I am right? Everything in life doesn’t come easy. You have to work for things and work through things.

One of the things I have psyched myself out of is parenthood. I’ve written about this one before, see my Panic on the Streets of Parenthood post.

Time after time I’m reminded of why I do not want children. Here are a few reasons:

I like sleep.
I like freedom to get a taro slush with boba at 8:30 p.m.
I like only having to cook for two people.
I like not having to worry about supporting another life form aside from my cat.
I like the idea of bypassing the teenage phase entirely.
I like not having to add an extra person into my love-o-sphere and therefore have to worry about that person all the bloody time.

I can go on.

But that last one is a biggie.

Call me a crazy Christian, but I believe our time here on Earth isn’t going to last much longer. And I also believe that things are going to get a heck of a lot worse than they are. And if I believe that, why the davies would I want to bring another being into this crazy, evil world?

So I could worry about her? So I could dread every waking moment we are apart? So I can deal with a potentially wayward son who after years of our caring and nurturing decides to damn us both to hell?

Like I said, I can think of countless reasons I don’t want to be a parent.

But then God showed me something. He planted a thought. And that was this: “Yes, parenthood is indeed a challenge. But it might be the challenge you need in this life.”

A challenge that I need to persevere through.

If God is leading, He will provide the strength for me to do it.

Wow. What a load of fear removed from my shoulders.

I don’t need to be afraid.

I trust God with my life. I trust God with the life of my children, should it be His will for us to have any. I will trust in Him.

And those challenges just might be what I need.

The Bolder Thing to Do

I believe in standing up for what you believe in.

In my case, it’s my faith.

The other day I went door-knocking to pass out literature. You know, that thing I mentioned in this post ?

So while I was walking house to house I thought to myself, What would I do if the next person who opens the door starts yelling, cursing, or threatening me? What if they attacked my beliefs and demanded answers?

I kept telling myself to be bold. Just trust in God. To a certain extent, that’s all I can do. However, there is a responsibility I must play. In order to be bold in my beliefs, I have to know what they are and why I hold them, right?

Now I know I won’t have the answers to everything, and that scares me. Especially when there are so many smarter people out there who can tear me to pieces with their theories. I’m not one to boast in my smartness (or lack-thereof) but there are a lot of things I should be able to answer.

Which leads me to my next thing.

There are certain “holidays” my husband and I have decided not to really acknowledge or celebrate. But since most people celebrate these holidays, people ask if we have plans for them. And of course when we respond, the follow-up question arises: Why not?

I’ve learned it makes conversations easier when I have a solid answer. Why do something if you don’t really know the reason why?

Even still, one response we got was “That’ll change when you have kids.”

That made we wonder. Will it? How bold will I be once we have children? Will my principles go out the window?

I want to say that it wouldn’t, but I really don’t know; I’m not a parent.

I want boldness to define who I am, to define my children, should we have any.

There’s more I can say about this, I’m sure. There are many reasons for boldness.

But is there ever a time when one can be too bold and cross the line?

Would the bolder thing to do be to step down gracefully, or to keep going without end, and even stronger?

Until next post (which will probably be about parenthood again, lol)

Seven Days of Blessings: Days 5, 6, and 7

Day 5: Employment

All I can say about this one is thank God I am not sitting at a desk in an office somewhere right now. Kuddos and mad props to all you out there who are doing that, but that kind of job is just not for me. And at this point in my life I have come to accept that THAT IS OKAY. I may be but a nanny, but a nanny I’ll be if that’s what God wants for me. And I love it. It gives me a job, a purpose, a motive, a drive. I gain knowledge and experience and above all, happiness.

Day 6: Generosity

I looked around at all our household items in our place and realized nearly everything was given to us either as a gift or just by fine generosity. I can’t believe how blessed we are. My prayer and goal is for me to be this generous to others, no matter what.

Day 7: Like Minds

Having a group of people as friends and fellow believers is something money can’t buy. I love having conversations with people who just GET IT. No filtering, no explaining, just real and open conversations. It truly is a breath of fresh air.

Seven Days of Blessings: Day 4

Day 4: Encouragement

I listened to a podcast this afternoon that talked about that nasty old thing called rejection, and how to deal with said rejection. It was encouraging to hear that I’m not the only one dealing with these bitter feelings, not the only one bothered at always being that last choice for dodgeball. Okay I don’t play dodgeball, but you get the point.

One of the things the podcaster also mentioned was how God never leaves anyone out, how He is always there.

There are so many biblical texts with God’s promises of encouragement that all I have to do is look them up in a concordance. I’m grateful that those texts are there, that God really is there for me. But even more than just looking them up, I actually have to believe and apply them to my life.

What do these texts mean to me? How can they apply to x, y, z situations?

Something else the podcaster mentioned: Dealing with social rejection might lead to developing new friendships, and friendship is another blessing I want to talk about.

In the last few months, I have really connected with a few young women in ways I haven’t connected with any other females in a long while. I can be myself with them, I am comfortable with them, I am encouraged by them. I am open and honest and I genuinely love their company. I can be 100% me, and I love that.

God has truly blessed me with His promises and with these young women.

Seven Days of Blessings: Day 3

Day 3: Transformation

Today I am grateful for quite a number of things: The honey bee my little charge (the child I nanny) and I examined on our walk today, the fact I can use all of my limbs to exercise, the breakfast and dinner I ate, the health and safety of my husband.

But even deeper than that, I’m grateful for who I am and where I am in my life so far.

Specifically, where God has brought me. I know I have yet to share my full testimony, but it is only through God that I am where I am today.

If I lived my life the way I had been in my teen and early twenty years, I’d probably be in a deep mess right now.

It is only through and with God I am overcoming my struggles.

Struggles I’d give in to if it weren’t for His transforming power in my life.

All I can say is, thank you Lord, thank you.

Seven Days of Blessings

Hello friends!

Last year a friend of mine gave me a little journal in which I write the highlight of each day for the next three years. I absolutely love this journal, and can’t believe I’m already reading entries from last year. Appropriate timing, because two days ago I challenged my students to write down seven things God has blessed them with and write one on each day of this week. They are to share whatever blessing they wrote on that particular day with another person. I decided to take on that challenge as well, sharing with my blogging community.

With that being said, I’ll be posting every day this week. Today I will share two blessings: Sunday and Monday, since I didn’t post anything Sunday.

Sunday’s blessing: The rain

I don’t even need to say how glad I am for this. California has been plagued by drought and wildfires. And the thunder is just so awesome to hear, despite the fact that it was so loud it woke me up :p Nature is incredible!

And even as something as simple as the leaves falling around me and my mom as we walked together is something that highlights my day.

Monday’s blessing: Rain and my mother

Another day of rain. Again, I am awe struck by the sound of thunder.

My mom recently moved from Texas to California and has been staying with me and my husband. She has been so helpful with everything (literally, everything) I can’t even express all my love and gratitude. God has truly blessed me with wonderful parents and wonderful in-laws. I can only thank Him for that.

Hey Jealousy

If there is one thing I would give up in a heartbeat, it’s jealousy. It completely ruins everything. Ugh.

I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences with it…

You know, like that time she showed up with the guy she stole from you (who, by the way, she actually introduced to you in the first place.)

Or the time you caught him MySpace flirting with other girls when you thought you were the only one he was dating.

Ha ha, okay, okay before you start laughing at me I realize that maybe those experiences are totally high school, but jealousy can still happen in even more mature circles, right? I don’t know, though, can jealousy and maturity go together? I know I feel completely immature when I feel jealous.

But jealousy goes beyond the dating realm, of course. It can extend to other relationships and to almost everything else.

Why is she so much smarter than me?

Why does he get everything he wants with such ease?

Why is she so inexplicably charming and good at everything?

For me, jealousy and rejection go together. If I’m not the better choice, I’m losing my grip. If I’m not the one people are jealous over, I’m not succeeding.

How incredibly terrible is that way of thinking?

Why is that jealous urge always there lurking in the murky waters of my soul?

Is it lack of self-worth?

Is it lack of confidence?

Insecurity?

I don’t know if it can be chocked up to any few terms, but I do believe jealousy is a part of my inner demon that needs to be SLAIN. SLAIN I SAY.

I become a total irrational, irate, unjustified mean girl when jealousy takes over.

And what am I going to do later on when events out of my control take place that I already know have the potential to flare up my jealousy?

Am I going to give in, or move beyond it?

Only time will tell, and I can only pray to God to release me from this prison. It’s completely and utterly miserable up in here.

Titus 3 says the mercy, kindness, and love of God is what enables us to do good things. Am I allowing those good traits to manifest in my life, or am I choosing to hold onto my bad ones? Am I giving all my struggles to the only one who can relieve them, or am I trusting in myself?

I’ve heard people say *YOU* are the only thing you can trust in this world. I’m here to say otherwise. If I trusted in myself, I would not be in a good place right now.

I really want to know, though: How have you handled jealousy?

Until next,

Above In My Head, Instead of Going Under

I know you’ve probably heard this before, or have even said it yourself:

I care too much.

I care too much about someone, I care too much about my job, I care too much about fitting the exact label and exact standard I’ve set for myself…

Is it possible to care too much?

I think I do, and am wondering if the things I care about are even worth all the stress.

Suitcases on the bed, chemicals in the house, plastic in the microwave, genetically modified fruit in the fridge, cat litter on the carpet…

I put so much emphasis on things I drive myself, and others around me, a little bit crazy.

I care about people, animals, the environment.

I want to end food waste because people are starving in my own neighborhood.

I want to stop buying clothes from Forever 21 because the people making the clothes in Bangladesh are dying in collapsing buildings and getting paid crap.

I want to buy only organic cotton and use reusable everything because I want to eliminate my exposure to toxins and limit my output of waste I dump into landfills.

I want to renounce all things in my diet that are from animal sources because I spend hours at the animal shelter every week. (I’m a vegetarian who is mostly plant based, but I do dabble with dairy every now and again.)

I want to do everything and make the best choices and be the best person and do the best things… and it gets a little mentally exhausting.

A small, teeny, tiny part of me thinks: Why care so much? Are you really going to change the world by the choices you make?

People are still going to be greedy, the planet is still going to deteriorate, people are still going to mistreat animals and eat meat…

But is that really the way to think? Do my small choices really not matter?

I can’t see myself ceasing to care about these things. I’m too invested, and know a little too much to just throw my hands up and feign ignorance.

But how do I keep myself from crying over it all, from getting too upset about so many things that need changing?

How do I find that balance? How do I care without caring too much?

I really don’t think there is such a thing.

(To be continued in what might be a Girl Afraid Part 2.)

So You Think Confidence?

I saw her walk through the door, earbuds popped in, a smile on her face and calmness I couldn’t match. Meanwhile there I stood, hands sweating, hair pinned back, barely remembering to breathe.

I wondered, how is it that she can walk in here with such confidence? She’s probably been here longer than I have, and that would explain it…

So in passing, I asked her.

To my surprise, she’d been there just as long as I had.

What, you’re like a pro! I told her. Why is it that every time I come in here I feel like I can’t breathe until I leave!?

She’s about my age and I wish I walked around with as much assurance as she did that day.

It’s no secret, I, as well as lots of other people, am afraid of making mistakes.

I mean I really, really, really just don’t want to mess up. Sometimes in a moment of decision I end up just standing there trying to decide if I should ask for help or figure it out on my own. People probably think I’m so weird. I am, but still ;P

I want to be thorough, yet time efficient. I want to be a problem solver, yet don’t want to make mistakes. How does one find the right balance?

I guess all this comes with time, comes with learning and growing and getting older… and just doing. The more you do something, the better you get at it and the more confidence you gain.

I also never really understood how truly related experience is with age until one day it just clicked. All the people I talked to, all the stories I’ve heard and the advice given to me all came together, and it finally made sense. I find myself always trying to be on the same level of someone twice my age with twice as much experience, and that just won’t happen. I am learning to accept life as a learning process, and not beat myself up for not being who or where I think I should be, mainly in comparison to other people. The key is to keep trying and not give up, and definitely not compare myself to others.

That in itself is liberating.

I don’t want to go through life living as if its just one big competition, but I do want the kind of confidence I see in others. Confidence in my jobs, in my faith, in my abilities, in my blogging…

How do I get there, how do you get there?

Speaking of confidence, I can’t continue this post without addressing something else: confidence in one’s own beliefs.

I’ve come to the realization of just how important it is to know what I believe, to know why I am a part of something and why I want to share certain things with others. What makes what I believe so special? Why should I invite others to have similar beliefs?

Part of what has been churning inside me for months now was realizing how utterly unable I was to give reasons and answers to things for which I should have reasons and answers.

It’s one thing to say I believe in something, but another thing to explain the reasons why. That takes some effort, but it will be worth all that effort in the end.

That moment was a flashlight into my own conscience, a beacon to remind me to do some real searching that I failed to do before. It was also a reminder to put my confidence in Christ. I lost sight of that, of my Anchor. The best advice I received on this topic was this: Learn, study, find the answer. If you trust God, He will provide the way.

And I think that’s how I can gain confidence all around: trust, in God and how He has lead me thus far, and how He will continue to lead me.

As I’m writing this I’m reminded of something new I’m going to be starting next week, and I could use all the confidence (and heavenly guidance) I can get. I also need to gain confidence in my blogging, because we all know the internet is rife with cyber psychos, and I’m just waiting for my turn to get bullied.

Confidence.

So, how do you stay confident?

Until next,

“Don’t Pick My Fruit”

Helping ourselves over helping others

I walk down the road, the clouds above me hang thick with what looks like promises of rain, except it’s summer in California, and it’s 100 degrees. As I stare out at the browned, drought-parched hills around me, I think about how much we really need some of that sweet water, especially with all the fires that have recently occurred.

And just as I think about how much of a tease those clouds are, there I see it: a sign underneath a grapefruit tree that reads “Don’t pick my fruit.”

Large, luscious and bright-yellow grapefruit. Might not be the rain we need, but definitely would provide some summer refreshment. Or maybe it would just be a tease for some passerby like me.

As I saw the plump grapefruit tree and the little whiteboard sign beneath it, I laughed. But then I started feeling a little bit of distaste and even dislike for the person who wrote it. Why would someone find the need to put that sign up? It’s seems just a little bit rude, entirely unfriendly, and entirely some other word I can’t think of right now…

What prompted that person to do that?

If you saw that sign, would you care enough to stop, read it again, have a reaction?

Then I think about some random person picking off fruit from that person’s tree….that’s pretty darn rude.

So I find myself conflicted. Why am I bothered? Who would I be? The person picking fruit, or the person writing that sign?

I can’t help but think of Leviticus 23:22, a passage in the Bible that talks about leaving some of the land’s harvest for the poor and strangers to glean.

Would people actually do something like that now? What side would I choose if that were my tree?

What about solicitors? Do you avoid them when they come to your door? Would you put up a sign that reads “No Soliciting”?

So. Many. Questions.

It’s interesting, the neighborhood I walk through every week has the most “No Soliciting” signs I’ve seen all in one place. It makes me wonder, what is being solicited here and how often do solicitors come?

It’s also the same neighborhood I saw the “Don’t Pick My Fruit” sign.

I’d like to think I would let people pick fruit from my tree, but I can just feel the greed and unwillingness to help others flowing through my veins, and it’s a little concerning.

I have a friend who I spent 10 days with in another country. Throughout the whole time, while everyone else was bitter and complaining, she remained selfless, loving, considerate, compassionate, and just all around happy, even in inconvenient and uncomfortable situations.

In the particular town we were in, one case of bottled water cost at least double what it costs here in California. She only had a few bottles left and offered them to me when my water ran out, with no hesitation at all.

And it’s not like we could just go around the corner to get another case like that, either.

I’m ashamed to say, I would have hesitated. If I spent my money on my case of bottled water that I bought just for me, I would think to myself, “Sorry, ya’ll are on your own.”

I think I’d be the same with the fruit on my fruit tree. Sorry, ya’ll are on your own. So when I got a little bitter after reading the sign I passed by, I think some of the bitterness came from realizing that I am that neighbor.

But I don’t want to be. I want to follow that counsel from Leviticus. I want to think about other people.

But we often don’t want to help others. And even more amazingly, sometimes people don’t want our help, which is crazy bananas to me!

And so the cycle continues.

Why can’t we just stop thinking of ourselves all the time, and offer help to others, even if they don’t give us so much as a thank-you in return?

Why is it mostly a take, take, take mentality, at least in the places I’ve lived ?Must we live in this kind of a world?

It’s also very easy for me to not want to help others. People are manipulative sometimes.

One time a girl drove up to me in a parking lot as I was walking to my car. She asked me for money to buy her nieces baby formula. Just as I was about to give her money, I heard someone in the distance say that they had already given her money, which “should be enough to buy diapers.” Busted, the girl then sped off.

Wow, I thought. Close call. The woman who had shouted behind me came up and said, “Yeah, I thought something was weird about her asking for money like that. But I gave it to her anyway. Why? Because I’m a Christian. I believe in helping others, even if I don’t know what they end up doing with that money.”

Because of people like that girl, I get caught up in this attitude of not wanting to help people at all.

But the woman made a good point. She helped that person, and she even helped me. People who claim the name of ‘Christian’ aim to be like Christ: giving, helpful, and selfless.

Do I aim to be that way?

Christian or not, I think we should all aim to be like that. There are so many problems out there, it only makes sense to help other people when we are able to.

Until next,