Girl Afraid

It’s been way, unacceptably long since I’ve blogged. A lot has gone on in the last month…losing a loved one…starting a new job…leaving an old one…

Swirls of feelings have been flurrying up all over the place. And to add even more to all that, I’ve been feeling super irritated and bratty lately, which makes me feel quite rebellious.

And I’ve noticed a heavy theme throughout all of it:

Fear.

I’ll bypass details of how I got my first full time job for now, but I’ll note the definite fear I felt the two weeks prior to starting.

I was so afraid of starting this job, and I’m still afraid even though I’ve already started, though the initial nerves have gone down a bit. I was so afraid of my first day… afraid of committing to a daily job… afraid of being full time…afraid of losing my flexible schedule I’ve known since forever… afraid of being the new girl…afraid of messing up…

Just, afraid.

Why?

I notice I’m quite scared of any kind of change, really. I’m afraid of letting things go and starting anew. Attachment to comfortability is a bit of a struggle for me.

I think most people I know just grab circumstances by the horns and ride them, like a boss.

I don’t have that kind of confidence, not at first anyway. I’m just terrified of making mistakes and even more terrified of the repercussions, so starting new projects is quite scary. And I end up overthinking about my fear of messing up that I actually mess up.

Yeah, I know, I just have to build tough skin.

They even told me that during my interview for this job.

And yes, I absolutely do, no doubt about that.

But how?

How do you deal with fear?

When the corporate and/or grown-up world can be such a cut-throat environment, how do you deal?

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And on a different note, losing a loved one is a whole other fear giant I’m way too afraid to battle.

How would I react? I didn’t really know how I was going to handle another death, and this recent reaction was different from the one I had when other loved ones passed away a couple years ago.

No matter what you or I may think about death and what happens after, it still really sucks and can be hard to grasp.

Fear.

I read a story today about a former classmate of mine who was attacked by a stranger with a machete while walking to his car. And my coworkers shared how someone we work with was stabbed while minding his own business on his lawn…

What. the. HECK.

How does this stuff happen? Why does it happen? No wonder people are so afraid of each other and so unfriendly towards one another.

It kind of made me trail into thoughts of paranoia…

Oh man, should I even be walking on the streets alone, even in daylight? Can I even go out to my car by myself? I’m not going to be friendly or helpful to anyone at all, ever.

But that is NO way to live. Paranoia is a mental death trap.

I recently bought a topical Bible concordance, and all this build up of fear had me running to it, flipping to its pages filled with verses about fear.

And I found the well-known verse: Psalm 23:4. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me…

I saw an animation dealing with this verse, and it showed a character about to walk through this dark, foggy path…discouraging voices shouting things to him as he made his way across, reciting it aloud.

And that made me think: What is my dark valley?

My depression is one. My temptations are one. My fear is one.

Though I walk through the darkness of depression, temptations, and fear, Lord, I will fear no evil, for You are with me…

And the most comforting ones I found:

I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.- Ps. 34:4

What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee. -Ps. 56:3

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help…Therefore, will not we fear. -Ps.46:1-2

I read these and felt relief, peaceful.

These last few days have been a bit rough for me in terms of my attitude and emotions, and as I reread these verses, I can only pray the peace they gave me a couple weeks ago can reach me now…

And I hope they can reach you, too.

♥ em