Hey Jealousy

If there is one thing I would give up in a heartbeat, it’s jealousy. It completely ruins everything. Ugh.

I’m sure you’ve had your own experiences with it…

You know, like that time she showed up with the guy she stole from you (who, by the way, she actually introduced to you in the first place.) 

Or the time you caught him MySpace flirting with other girls when you thought you were the only one he was dating.

Ha ha, okay, okay before you start laughing at me I realize that maybe those experiences are totally high school, but jealousy can still happen in even more mature circles, right? I don’t know, though, can jealousy and maturity go together? I know I feel completely immature when I feel jealous.

But jealousy goes beyond the dating realm, of course. It can extend to other relationships and to almost everything else.

Why is she so much smarter than me?

Why does he get everything he wants with such ease?

Why is she so inexplicably charming and good at everything?

For me, jealousy and rejection go together. If I’m not the better choice, I’m losing my grip. If I’m not the one people are jealous over, I’m not succeeding.

How incredibly terrible is that way of thinking?

Why is that jealous urge always there lurking in the murky waters of my soul?

Is it lack of self-worth?

Is it lack of confidence?


I don’t know if it can be chocked up to any few terms, but I do believe jealousy is a part of my inner demon that needs to be SLAIN. SLAIN I SAY.

I become a total irrational, irate, unjustified mean girl when jealousy takes over.

And what am I going to do later on when events out of my control take place that I already know have the potential to flare up my jealousy?

Am I going to give in, or move beyond it?

Only time will tell, and I can only pray to God to release me from this prison. It’s completely and utterly miserable up in here.

Titus 3 says the mercy, kindness, and love of God is what enables us to do good things. Am I allowing those good traits to manifest in my life, or am I choosing to hold onto my bad ones? Am I giving all my struggles to the only one who can relieve them, or am I trusting in myself?

I’ve heard people say *YOU* are the only thing you can trust in this world. I’m here to say otherwise. If I trusted in myself, I would not be in a good place right now.

I really want to know, though: How have you handled jealousy?

Until next,


Above In My Head, Instead of Going Under

I know you’ve probably heard this before, or have even said it yourself:

I care too much.

I care too much about someone, I care too much about my job, I care too much about fitting the exact label and exact standard I’ve set for myself…

Is it possible to care too much?

I think I do, and am wondering if the things I care about are even worth all the stress.

Suitcases on the bed, chemicals in the house, plastic in the microwave, genetically modified fruit in the fridge, cat litter on the carpet…

I put so much emphasis on things I drive myself, and others around me, a little bit crazy.

I care about people, animals, the environment.

I want to end food waste because people are starving in my own neighborhood.

I want to stop buying clothes from Forever 21 because the people making the clothes in Bangladesh are dying in collapsing buildings and getting paid crap.

I want to buy only organic cotton and use reusable everything because I want to eliminate my exposure to toxins and limit my output of waste I dump into landfills.

I want to renounce all things in my diet that are from animal sources because I spend hours at the animal shelter every week. (I’m a vegetarian who is mostly plant based, but I do dabble with dairy every now and again.)

I want to do everything and make the best choices and be the best person and do the best things… and it gets a little mentally exhausting.

A small, teeny, tiny part of me thinks: Why care so much? Are you really going to change the world by the choices you make?

People are still going to be greedy, the planet is still going to deteriorate, people are still going to mistreat animals and eat meat…

But is that really the way to think? Do my small choices really not matter?

I can’t see myself ceasing to care about these things. I’m too invested, and know a little too much to just throw my hands up and feign ignorance.

But how do I keep myself from crying over it all, from getting too upset about so many things that need changing? 

How do I find that balance? How do I care without caring too much?

I really don’t think there is such a thing.

(To be continued in what might be a Girl Afraid Part 2.)

So You Think Confidence?

I saw her walk through the door, earbuds popped in, a smile on her face and calmness I couldn’t match. Meanwhile there I stood, hands sweating, hair pinned back, barely remembering to breathe.

I wondered, how is it that she can walk in here with such confidence? She’s probably been here longer than I have, and that would explain it…

So in passing, I asked her.

To my surprise, she’d been there just as long as I had.

What, you’re like a pro! I told her. Why is it that every time I come in here I feel like I can’t breathe until I leave!?

She’s about my age and I wish I walked around with as much assurance as she did that day.

It’s no secret, I, as well as lots of other people, am afraid of making mistakes.

I mean I really, really, really just don’t want to mess up. Sometimes in a moment of decision I end up just standing there trying to decide if I should ask for help or figure it out on my own. People probably think I’m so weird. I am, but still ;P

I want to be thorough, yet time efficient. I want to be a problem solver, yet don’t want to make mistakes. How does one find the right balance?

I guess all this comes with time, comes with learning and growing and getting older… and just doing. The more you do something, the better you get at it and the more confidence you gain.

I also never really understood how truly related experience is with age until one day it just clicked. All the people I talked to, all the stories I’ve heard and the advice given to me all came together, and it finally made sense. I find myself always trying to be on the same level of someone twice my age with twice as much experience, and that just won’t happen. I am learning to accept life as a learning process, and not beat myself up for not being who or where I think I should be, mainly in comparison to other people. The key is to keep trying and not give up, and definitely not compare myself to others.

That in itself is liberating.

I don’t want to go through life living as if its just one big competition, but I do want the kind of confidence I see in others. Confidence in my jobs, in my faith, in my abilities, in my blogging…

How do I get there, how do you get there?

Speaking of confidence, I can’t continue this post without addressing something else: confidence in one’s own beliefs.

I’ve come to the realization of just how important it is to know what I believe, to know why I am a part of something and why I want to share certain things with others. What makes what I believe so special? Why should I invite others to have similar beliefs?

Part of what has been churning inside me for months now was realizing how utterly unable I was to give reasons and answers to things for which I should have reasons and answers.

It’s one thing to say I believe in something, but another thing to explain the reasons why. That takes some effort, but it will be worth all that effort in the end.

That moment was a flashlight into my own conscience, a beacon to remind me to do some real searching that I failed to do before. It was also a reminder to put my confidence in Christ. I lost sight of that, of my Anchor. The best advice I received on this topic was this: Learn, study, find the answer. If you trust God, He will provide the way.

And I think that’s how I can gain confidence all around: trust, in God and how He has lead me thus far, and how He will continue to lead me.

As I’m writing this I’m reminded of something new I’m going to be starting next week, and I could use all the confidence (and heavenly guidance) I can get. I also need to gain confidence in my blogging, because we all know the internet is rife with cyber psychos, and I’m just waiting for my turn to get bullied.


So, how do you stay confident?

Until next,


“Don’t Pick My Fruit”

Helping ourselves over helping others

I walk down the road, the clouds above me hang thick with what looks like promises of rain, except it’s summer in California, and it’s 100 degrees. As I stare out at the browned, drought-parched hills around me, I think about how much we really need some of that sweet water, especially with all the fires that have recently occurred.

And just as I think about how much of a tease those clouds are, there I see it: a sign underneath a grapefruit tree that reads “Don’t pick my fruit.”

Large, luscious and bright-yellow grapefruit. Might not be the rain we need, but definitely would provide some summer refreshment. Or maybe it would just be a tease for some passerby like me.

As I saw the plump grapefruit tree and the little whiteboard sign beneath it, I laughed. But then I started feeling a little bit of distaste and even dislike for the person who wrote it. Why would someone find the need to put that sign up? It’s seems just a little bit rude, entirely unfriendly, and entirely some other word I can’t think of right now…

What prompted that person to do that?

If you saw that sign, would you care enough to stop, read it again, have a reaction?

Then I think about some random person picking off fruit from that person’s tree….that’s pretty darn rude.

So I find myself conflicted. Why am I bothered? Who would I be? The person picking fruit, or the person writing that sign?

I can’t help but think of Leviticus 23:22, a passage in the Bible that talks about leaving some of the land’s harvest for the poor and strangers to glean.

Would people actually do something like that now? What side would I choose if that were my tree?

What about solicitors? Do you avoid them when they come to your door? Would you put up a sign that reads “No Soliciting”?

So. Many. Questions.

It’s interesting, the neighborhood I walk through every week has the most “No Soliciting” signs I’ve seen all in one place. It makes me wonder, what is being solicited here and how often do solicitors come?

It’s also the same neighborhood I saw the “Don’t Pick My Fruit” sign.

I’d like to think I would let people pick fruit from my tree, but I can just feel the greed and unwillingness to help others flowing through my veins, and it’s a little concerning.

I have a friend who I spent 10 days with in another country. Throughout the whole time, while everyone else was bitter and complaining, she remained selfless, loving, considerate, compassionate, and just all around happy, even in inconvenient and uncomfortable situations.

In the particular town we were in, one case of bottled water cost at least double what it costs here in California. She only had a few bottles left and offered them to me when my water ran out, with no hesitation at all.

And it’s not like we could just go around the corner to get another case like that, either.

I’m ashamed to say, I would have hesitated. If I spent my money on my case of bottled water that I bought just for me, I would think to myself, “Sorry, ya’ll are on your own.”

I think I’d be the same with the fruit on my fruit tree. Sorry, ya’ll are on your own. So when I got a little bitter after reading the sign I passed by, I think some of the bitterness came from realizing that I am that neighbor.

But I don’t want to be. I want to follow that counsel from Leviticus. I want to think about other people.

But we often don’t want to help others. And even more amazingly, sometimes people don’t want our help, which is crazy bananas to me!

And so the cycle continues.

Why can’t we just stop thinking of ourselves all the time, and offer help to others, even if they don’t give us so much as a thank-you in return? 

Why is it mostly a take, take, take mentality, at least in the places I’ve lived ?Must we live in this kind of a world?

It’s also very easy for me to not want to help others. People are manipulative sometimes.

One time a girl drove up to me in a parking lot as I was walking to my car. She asked me for money to buy her nieces baby formula. Just as I was about to give her money, I heard someone in the distance say that they had already given her money, which “should be enough to buy diapers.” Busted, the girl then sped off.

Wow, I thought. Close call. The woman who had shouted behind me came up and said, “Yeah, I thought something was weird about her asking for money like that. But I gave it to her anyway. Why? Because I’m a Christian. I believe in helping others, even if I don’t know what they end up doing with that money.”

Because of people like that girl, I get caught up in this attitude of not wanting to help people at all.

But the woman made a good point. She helped that person, and she even helped me. People who claim the name of ‘Christian’ aim to be like Christ: giving, helpful, and selfless.

Do I aim to be that way?

Christian or not, I think we should all aim to be like that. There are so many problems out there, it only makes sense to help other people when we are able to.

Until next,



Lost Stars Trying to Light Up the Dark

Finding happiness amidst hatred.

A lot of the time when something tragic happens in the world, I find myself thinking I shouldn’t be happy that day. That smile I just flashed? Nope, wipe that off. People died today, you shouldn’t be smiling.

Or if friends and family are going through trials, I feel like I shouldn’t even laugh at something later on at dinner, because I should be feeling every inch of that other person’s pain instead.

Things aren’t okay in the world, so I feel like every time I’m happy, I shouldn’t be.

I don’t know if this is the right way to think, but at the same time, I sort of do. I believe this empathy has developed inside me that wasn’t there before. I’m grateful for that, but it’s also quite torturous.

My heart aches over all these people dying, all these fires destroying land and homes, all these shootings and attacks…

I’ve even been obsessing over a swarm of bees that have decided to nest near my apartment, checking to make sure those little guys are still buzzing around and no one has called pest control, because the idea of those little pollinators getting poisoned to death drives me nuts. I was sharing with someone how I was enjoying this particular nature documentary series up until the episode where nearly all the animals were killing each other. What happened to the first episode where practically all the animals on the island were vegetarian? Lol.

The person responded with, “Well, that’s part of nature. Animals kills each other in nature.”

Yes, I said. That’s true. I just don’t like death. In any form, natural or unnatural, it makes me very sad.

I bring up this story because I believe it is actually God reminding me to be more sensitive to the world, to humanity, to earth and everything in it. To not complain about my life. To help others when I can. To find happiness even with all the hatred in the world…

What can I do in this life that benefits others?

What should I do?

What do you do?

I would offer prayer and whatever other help I can give, but for those who don’t offer prayer, what do you say?

Another point I want to make is this: God is not responsible for evil. He doesn’t cause death. A person or group of people didn’t die because God hated them.

I heard someone tell a person who lost her father to cancer that God created cancer. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything at the time.

God is a perfect being; He did not create cancer. Cancer and everything else bad in this world is the result of sin, the result of an enemy.

I know that paragraph in itself elicits all sorts of commentary.

You might be thinking, “Well if God exists, why did He allow those bad things to happen?”

Addressing that can wait for another time. 

Some main questions I want to get to are for you:

How do you stay happy amidst hatred? How do you stay positive, and share that positivity with other people and add light to a dark world?

Think about this to yourself, and hey, maybe even share your thoughts in a comment below.

Here’s to shining bright.


“Nobody wants that, bro.”

Whether you are part of some faith-based group or not, I’m sure you’ve seen, received, or even passed out some form of literature to people about a particular group’s faith/beliefs. Whenever I am at a church event and people talk about doing literature outreach that day, I sort of cower. Umm yeah, I gotta go do that other thing now…sorry bye.

I don’t like passing out anything like that to people. I don’t like going door to door. I don’t like leaving handouts on people’s cars. It’s awkward, it’s a little bit scary and unpredictable, and to be quite frank, I’m a little bit of a weenie.

Okay, a lot a bit of a weenie.

I get all nervous even thinking about it now!

So when I heard someone’s brief story the other day about how someone told him to put his literature away because “nobody wants that,” I was trapped in that experience for a good while after we had moved on in the discussion.

I’m afraid of passing out anything, because I’m afraid of those types of responses. What would I do if someone said that to me? What would I do if they actually got angry and aggressive?

Would I recant? Apologize? Smile?

I get scared to even talk about my faith with my own family or friends sometimes, let alone strangers!

Whaaaat am I doiiiing with my liifeeee😥

Ha ha. Seriously, though. I need to toughen up.

Whenever I have passed out anything, I’ve gotten pretty mild responses, some even very good responses, which always surprises me because I’m expecting WWIII. But I’m just waiting for that ugly experience that’s lurking around the corner, that person who’s going to tell me to “put that stuff away, nobody here wants that.”

I went out to pass out some tracts once, and one girl’s face I’ll never forget. One of my team members had reached out to give her something, and as she waved it away, she had such a disgusted look on her face, I thought she had taken a whiff something gross. My team member moved on, but I couldn’t get that look out of my mind. If someone did that to me, I’d probably start tearing up like the big sensitive baby I am and call it quits. Nope, no more, no thanks, I’m done.

These people don’t want what I have to offer.

You know, if I kept thinking like that, I’d never reach anyone. Isn’t the point of gaining some good knowledge or good news to share it?

I don’t just gain knowledge to hoard it for myself. I gain it to share—it’s a duty of mine.

To shove down people’s throats, definitely not. To make them feel bad or dumb for not believing in and agreeing with what I believe, definitely not. There’s a thing called tact, people. And even more than that, there’s a thing called love. Anything I ever do, I want it to be out of love. I’m not here to force anything on anyone (unless it’s forcing my husband to let me name our future children the names I want…lol, kidding😉 )

But I am here to share what I know.

I just need to stop being so afraid.

One thing I admire about fanatics is their ability to disengage from criticism. They are so firm on what they believe, nothing shakes them. I don’t want to ever be a fanatic, but I do want that boldness, to stand up for what I believe no matter what people think, say, or do to me.

In terms of my own faith, I know lots of people who think I’m crazy, who think science trumps God, who think choosing to believe in God is choosing to be stupid.

If I had as much gusto in sharing the love of God as they do in disproving God, I’d be one unstoppable evangelist.

And hey, that’s actually a pretty good goal worth striving toward😉

To unashamed boldness,


Lost Connection

Staying tied to the Rock

After some deep moments of spending time with God in prayer or after hearing a powerful sermon, I just want to stay right there, in that moment. I don’t want to open my eyes after praying, or leave the sanctuary after the sermon is over because I know once I do, all those temptations I face will be right there waiting for me. People will keep talking about things that don’t matter, complaining about things we shouldn’t be complaining about. I’ll be exposed again to all my personal struggles. I don’t want to go back to facing the world. I don’t want to go back to facing all the problems.

I don’t know if other people feel this way, but I certainly do.

I don’t want to lose this connection I feel with God. I don’t want to release the grip I have on the rope connecting me to Him. I feel that every moment I go about my daily tasks, I’m breaking away from that rope. I’m losing my grip inch by inch as the day progresses. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want the rope to break.

In reading about the life of Jesus, even the small information about His childhood, He was always connected with God. He beheld Him every moment of every day. Even in His daily tasks and toils, He thought of God. Even as He worked at His chores growing up, He sung praises to God.

I want this to be my experience.

The GREAT news is, it can be. Even amidst the burdens of the world, I can stay connected with God by beholding Him each moment, by memorizing scripture to help me deal with a mean person, by singing praises to Him even when something annoying happens.

Christ was, and is, our ultimate example in how to stay connected to God.

Yes, I know it will be hard. Yes, I know I’ll fail at times, probably often. I already have.

But I have to keep trying. I have to keep at it, trusting in God and His grace to help me through each day.

Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you.