I used to listen to a certain album a lot back in 2008, and one particular song’s lyrics reminds me of the emotions and internal struggles I felt back then.
The lyrics to the song are: If what I have is everything, why do I want more?
I remember posting those lyrics as a Facebook status one day. Someone asked me what it meant.
Oh it’s just from a song, I replied.
But to everyone who read it, it probably screamed of deep-rooted unhappiness they felt I was hiding.
And boy, I was hiding it. Though I didn’t really accept it at the time.
Who really wants to admit they’re not happy living their life of pleasure?
But I was unhappy. Of course, at the time I’m thinking, “Heck yeah I’m happy. I’m doing what I want and living the life I want.”
I was a little reckless. I did what felt good in the moment. The spark of rebellion was lit at fifteen, and I thought I’d never want to turn away from that partying life I chose. (Cue the “Pleasure Island” song from Geppetto lol).
But then the unhappiness hit. I’d cry. I’d doubt. I’d sit in my room after some thrilling thing I did and think (but never express out loud) “What’s wrong with me? I have everything, and I’m doing everything I want. Yet I feel like something is missing. Like I’m incomplete.”
That cycle continued until I was about 21 years old. It was then when I knew what I was missing. I didn’t have God in my life. And He was tugging at my heartstrings. (Thank God for my praying sister and mother!) That’s when I knew I had to start listening to that tug.
So I started receiving Bible studies. I started attending church. I made changes. I stopped hanging out with certain people, stopped doing certain things.
But my journey was a rollercoaster, of course. I was faced with all kinds of temptations, going back and forth between my old life and my new life.
I had to ask myself: What am I doing? If I am going to commit to God, I need to stop with this back-and-forth nonsense.
And friends, God is good. He has called me out of the darkness and into His marvelous light. He filled that void I had in my heart and in my life. He helps me get through struggles when I’m tempted and fills me with hope when I’m hopeless.
I didn’t have that before.
And I could never go back to my old lifestyle again.
Never!! Because if I did, I’d be choosing gross fast food over a gourmet four-course meal!
I didn’t have everything I wanted before because I didn’t have Him. And I wanted more out of life. But nothing this world as to offer will ever be good enough.
We miss so much of what God has to offer because we think He is cruel/doesn’t exist/is for stupid, uneducated people.
I can’t convince you. It’s not my job to convince you. But it is my job to share Christ and to share His love and light, to share what He has done for me.
Look up and trust, friends.