I saw her walk through the door, earbuds popped in, a smile on her face and calmness I couldn’t match. Meanwhile there I stood, hands sweating, hair pinned back, barely remembering to breathe.

I wondered, how is it that she can walk in here with such confidence? She’s probably been here longer than I have, and that would explain it…

So in passing, I asked her.

To my surprise, she’d been there just as long as I had.

What, you’re like a pro! I told her. Why is it that every time I come in here I feel like I can’t breathe until I leave!?

She’s about my age and I wish I walked around with as much assurance as she did that day.

It’s no secret, I, as well as lots of other people, am afraid of making mistakes.

I mean I really, really, really just don’t want to mess up. Sometimes in a moment of decision I end up just standing there trying to decide if I should ask for help or figure it out on my own. People probably think I’m so weird. I am, but still ;P

I want to be thorough, yet time efficient. I want to be a problem solver, yet don’t want to make mistakes. How does one find the right balance?

I guess all this comes with time, comes with learning and growing and getting older… and just doing. The more you do something, the better you get at it and the more confidence you gain.

I also never really understood how truly related experience is with age until one day it just clicked. All the people I talked to, all the stories I’ve heard and the advice given to me all came together, and it finally made sense. I find myself always trying to be on the same level of someone twice my age with twice as much experience, and that just won’t happen. I am learning to accept life as a learning process, and not beat myself up for not being who or where I think I should be, mainly in comparison to other people. The key is to keep trying and not give up, and definitely not compare myself to others.

That in itself is liberating.

I don’t want to go through life living as if its just one big competition, but I do want the kind of confidence I see in others. Confidence in my jobs, in my faith, in my abilities, in my blogging…

How do I get there, how do you get there?

Speaking of confidence, I can’t continue this post without addressing something else: confidence in one’s own beliefs.

I’ve come to the realization of just how important it is to know what I believe, to know why I am a part of something and why I want to share certain things with others. What makes what I believe so special? Why should I invite others to have similar beliefs?

Part of what has been churning inside me for months now was realizing how utterly unable I was to give reasons and answers to things for which I should have reasons and answers.

It’s one thing to say I believe in something, but another thing to explain the reasons why. That takes some effort, but it will be worth all that effort in the end.

That moment was a flashlight into my own conscience, a beacon to remind me to do some real searching that I failed to do before. It was also a reminder to put my confidence in Christ. I lost sight of that, of my Anchor. The best advice I received on this topic was this: Learn, study, find the answer. If you trust God, He will provide the way.

And I think that’s how I can gain confidence all around: trust, in God and how He has lead me thus far, and how He will continue to lead me.

As I’m writing this I’m reminded of something new I’m going to be starting next week, and I could use all the confidence (and heavenly guidance) I can get. I also need to gain confidence in my blogging, because we all know the internet is rife with cyber psychos, and I’m just waiting for my turn to get bullied.

Confidence.

So, how do you stay confident?

Until next,

I recently applied for a job, and one of the application questions was something like this: Briefly talk about your work throughout your career.

What career? I thought. I don’t have a career, and the bulk of my recent experience isn’t even in my field of writing.

Gee whiz, way to make me feel like a real winner.

The good news is, this particular job does not rely on my writing career, but rather on the other non-writing experience I gained while working towards my writing career.

Phew! I knew those jobs would come in handy.

But even still, that question made me cringe. I felt like I had nothing to offer, and oftentimes I feel like I really do have nothing to offer. I almost wanted to stop the application right there.

In a world, or at least in my world, where climbing the corporate ladder and building your career is the ultimate goal in life, I feel as if I fall short (no direct reference to my 5’1 stature, here.)

I graduated college, and that’s an incredible success for me because I actually hated school.

So now, time and time again, whenever people ask me what I’m doing in my life right now, I always feel a drop in my gut. I scramble to spew out something I did that makes me sound like I’m not a big failure.

Because right now I’m not working a typical job. I’m babysitting and blogging. And I’m a house wife/homemaker.

When I tell people this, I find myself avoiding eye contact at all costs, and hoping they’ll change the subject.

I graduated with my bachelors degree, though. I sometimes add.

Foot in mouth. Now they’re going to ask me what I studied.

English and journalism, I reply.

I can just see their smug little grins underneath their fake “Oh, how wonderful.”

When really they’re saying, “Ha ha, an English graduate who’s at home without a real job. Go figure.”

Okay, okay, maybe they’re not all thinking that.

In my defense though, I tried my hand at the kind of job I thought I wanted after graduation and I hated it, so now I’m trying to look at other options.

And anyway, I love where I am in my life right now. The only thing that makes me not love it is the pressure I feel from everything and everyone else.

Sure I’m not pursuing my Ph.D or getting that coveted promotion, but I sure love what I am doing right now. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I’m actually happy. I have a husband who adores me. I get to look after an incredible child. I have family who support me in ways I can’t even express. That’s already a lot to be grateful for.

Speaking of husbands, when I was feeling all discouraged about that “talk about your career” question, he gave me some good words to calm me down a bit (which happens often, because I need calming down often, lulz).

He basically said: It’s all about perspective. You might wish you could do a particular thing, and someone else who’s doing that thing might say they wish they could do something else. Don’t get caught up in that system, because it’s a black hole. Be grateful for what you’ve done, and be the light.

And you know what, I will be that light. I’m so blessed with what I have right now. I don’t have to chase things I don’t really want just because I’ll “feel better” when I tell people what I do for a living.

Is it wrong for me to want to be happy, to have a better quality of life and to do the things I love and am happy doing instead of chasing something I’d hate because it makes good money?

I am more concerned with doing what God wants me to do with my life, not what other people think I should do. I just have to remember that.

Until next,

Tag: life goals

So You Think Confidence?

Confidence.

If She Doesn’t Have a Real Job, She Doesn’t Exist