A Heart for Heaven

Lost Stars Trying to Light Up the Dark

Finding happiness amidst hatred.

A lot of the time when something tragic happens in the world, I find myself thinking I shouldn’t be happy that day. That smile I just flashed? Nope, wipe that off. People died today, you shouldn’t be smiling.

Or if friends and family are going through trials, I feel like I shouldn’t even laugh at something later on at dinner, because I should be feeling every inch of that other person’s pain instead.

Things aren’t okay in the world, so I feel like every time I’m happy, I shouldn’t be.

I don’t know if this is the right way to think, but at the same time, I sort of do. I believe this empathy has developed inside me that wasn’t there before. I’m grateful for that, but it’s also quite torturous.

My heart aches over all these people dying, all these fires destroying land and homes, all these shootings and attacks…

I’ve even been obsessing over a swarm of bees that have decided to nest near my apartment, checking to make sure those little guys are still buzzing around and no one has called pest control, because the idea of those little pollinators getting poisoned to death drives me nuts. I was sharing with someone how I was enjoying this particular nature documentary series up until the episode where nearly all the animals were killing each other. What happened to the first episode where practically all the animals on the island were vegetarian? Lol.

The person responded with, “Well, that’s part of nature. Animals kills each other in nature.”

Yes, I said. That’s true. I just don’t like death. In any form, natural or unnatural, it makes me very sad.

I bring up this story because I believe it is actually God reminding me to be more sensitive to the world, to humanity, to earth and everything in it. To not complain about my life. To help others when I can. To find happiness even with all the hatred in the world…

What can I do in this life that benefits others?

What should I do?

What do you do?

I would offer prayer and whatever other help I can give, but for those who don’t offer prayer, what do you say?

Another point I want to make is this: God is not responsible for evil. He doesn’t cause death. A person or group of people didn’t die because God hated them.

I heard someone tell a person who lost her father to cancer that God created cancer. I don’t know why I didn’t say anything at the time.

God is a perfect being; He did not create cancer. Cancer and everything else bad in this world is the result of sin, the result of an enemy.

I know that paragraph in itself elicits all sorts of commentary.

You might be thinking, “Well if God exists, why did He allow those bad things to happen?”

Addressing that can wait for another time.

Some main questions I want to get to are for you:

How do you stay happy amidst hatred? How do you stay positive, and share that positivity with other people and add light to a dark world?

Think about this to yourself, and hey, maybe even share your thoughts in a comment below.

Here’s to shining bright.

“Nobody wants that, bro.”

Whether you are part of some faith-based group or not, I’m sure you’ve seen, received, or even passed out some form of literature to people about a particular group’s faith/beliefs. Whenever I am at a church event and people talk about doing literature outreach that day, I sort of cower. Umm yeah, I gotta go do that other thing now…sorry bye.

I don’t like passing out anything like that to people. I don’t like going door to door. I don’t like leaving handouts on people’s cars. It’s awkward, it’s a little bit scary and unpredictable, and to be quite frank, I’m a little bit of a weenie.

Okay, a lot a bit of a weenie.

I get all nervous even thinking about it now!

So when I heard someone’s brief story the other day about how someone told him to put his literature away because “nobody wants that,” I was trapped in that experience for a good while after we had moved on in the discussion.

I’m afraid of passing out anything, because I’m afraid of those types of responses. What would I do if someone said that to me? What would I do if they actually got angry and aggressive?

Would I recant? Apologize? Smile?

I get scared to even talk about my faith with my own family or friends sometimes, let alone strangers!

Whaaaat am I doiiiing with my liifeeee 😥

Ha ha. Seriously, though. I need to toughen up.

Whenever I have passed out anything, I’ve gotten pretty mild responses, some even very good responses, which always surprises me because I’m expecting WWIII. But I’m just waiting for that ugly experience that’s lurking around the corner, that person who’s going to tell me to “put that stuff away, nobody here wants that.”

I went out to pass out some tracts once, and one girl’s face I’ll never forget. One of my team members had reached out to give her something, and as she waved it away, she had such a disgusted look on her face, I thought she had taken a whiff something gross. My team member moved on, but I couldn’t get that look out of my mind. If someone did that to me, I’d probably start tearing up like the big sensitive baby I am and call it quits. Nope, no more, no thanks, I’m done.

These people don’t want what I have to offer.

You know, if I kept thinking like that, I’d never reach anyone. Isn’t the point of gaining some good knowledge or good news to share it?

I don’t just gain knowledge to hoard it for myself. I gain it to share—it’s a duty of mine.

To shove down people’s throats, definitely not. To make them feel bad or dumb for not believing in and agreeing with what I believe, definitely not. There’s a thing called tact, people. And even more than that, there’s a thing called love. Anything I ever do, I want it to be out of love. I’m not here to force anything on anyone (unless it’s forcing my husband to let me name our future children the names I want…lol, kidding 😉 )

But I am here to share what I know.

I just need to stop being so afraid.

One thing I admire about fanatics is their ability to disengage from criticism. They are so firm on what they believe, nothing shakes them. I don’t want to ever be a fanatic, but I do want that boldness, to stand up for what I believe no matter what people think, say, or do to me.

In terms of my own faith, I know lots of people who think I’m crazy, who think science trumps God, who think choosing to believe in God is choosing to be stupid.

If I had as much gusto in sharing the love of God as they do in disproving God, I’d be one unstoppable evangelist.

And hey, that’s actually a pretty good goal worth striving toward 😉

To unashamed boldness,

Lost Connection

Staying tied to the Rock

After some deep moments of spending time with God in prayer or after hearing a powerful sermon, I just want to stay right there, in that moment. I don’t want to open my eyes after praying, or leave the sanctuary after the sermon is over because I know once I do, all those temptations I face will be right there waiting for me. People will keep talking about things that don’t matter, complaining about things we shouldn’t be complaining about. I’ll be exposed again to all my personal struggles. I don’t want to go back to facing the world. I don’t want to go back to facing all the problems.

I don’t know if other people feel this way, but I certainly do.

I don’t want to lose this connection I feel with God. I don’t want to release the grip I have on the rope connecting me to Him. I feel that every moment I go about my daily tasks, I’m breaking away from that rope. I’m losing my grip inch by inch as the day progresses. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want the rope to break.

In reading about the life of Jesus, even the small information about His childhood, He was always connected with God. He beheld Him every moment of every day. Even in His daily tasks and toils, He thought of God. Even as He worked at His chores growing up, He sung praises to God.

I want this to be my experience.

The GREAT news is, it can be. Even amidst the burdens of the world, I can stay connected with God by beholding Him each moment, by memorizing scripture to help me deal with a mean person, by singing praises to Him even when something annoying happens.

Christ was, and is, our ultimate example in how to stay connected to God.

Yes, I know it will be hard. Yes, I know I’ll fail at times, probably often. I already have.

But I have to keep trying. I have to keep at it, trusting in God and His grace to help me through each day.

Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you.

If She Doesn’t Have a Real Job, She Doesn’t Exist

When I feel like a jobless loser sometimes.

I recently applied for a job, and one of the application questions was something like this: Briefly talk about your work throughout your career.

What career? I thought. I don’t have a career, and the bulk of my recent experience isn’t even in my field of writing.

Gee whiz, way to make me feel like a real winner.

The good news is, this particular job does not rely on my writing career, but rather on the other non-writing experience I gained while working towards my writing career.

Phew! I knew those jobs would come in handy.

But even still, that question made me cringe. I felt like I had nothing to offer, and oftentimes I feel like I really do have nothing to offer. I almost wanted to stop the application right there.

In a world, or at least in my world, where climbing the corporate ladder and building your career is the ultimate goal in life, I feel as if I fall short (no direct reference to my 5’1 stature, here.)

I graduated college, and that’s an incredible success for me because I actually hated school.

So now, time and time again, whenever people ask me what I’m doing in my life right now, I always feel a drop in my gut. I scramble to spew out something I did that makes me sound like I’m not a big failure.

Because right now I’m not working a typical job. I’m babysitting and blogging. And I’m a house wife/homemaker.

When I tell people this, I find myself avoiding eye contact at all costs, and hoping they’ll change the subject.

I graduated with my bachelors degree, though. I sometimes add.

Foot in mouth. Now they’re going to ask me what I studied.

English and journalism, I reply.

I can just see their smug little grins underneath their fake “Oh, how wonderful.”

When really they’re saying, “Ha ha, an English graduate who’s at home without a real job. Go figure.”

Okay, okay, maybe they’re not all thinking that.

In my defense though, I tried my hand at the kind of job I thought I wanted after graduation and I hated it, so now I’m trying to look at other options.

And anyway, I love where I am in my life right now. The only thing that makes me not love it is the pressure I feel from everything and everyone else.

Sure I’m not pursuing my Ph.D or getting that coveted promotion, but I sure love what I am doing right now. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I’m actually happy. I have a husband who adores me. I get to look after an incredible child. I have family who support me in ways I can’t even express. That’s already a lot to be grateful for.

Speaking of husbands, when I was feeling all discouraged about that “talk about your career” question, he gave me some good words to calm me down a bit (which happens often, because I need calming down often, lulz).

He basically said: It’s all about perspective. You might wish you could do a particular thing, and someone else who’s doing that thing might say they wish they could do something else. Don’t get caught up in that system, because it’s a black hole. Be grateful for what you’ve done, and be the light.

And you know what, I will be that light. I’m so blessed with what I have right now. I don’t have to chase things I don’t really want just because I’ll “feel better” when I tell people what I do for a living.

Is it wrong for me to want to be happy, to have a better quality of life and to do the things I love and am happy doing instead of chasing something I’d hate because it makes good money?

I am more concerned with doing what God wants me to do with my life, not what other people think I should do. I just have to remember that.

Until next,

Panic on the Streets of Parenthood

Why I’m afraid of having & raising a child.

Well, the inevitable turn has happened—my social media feed has gone from check-ins at bars to pregnancy photos and marriage announcements. It’s bananas how much can change in just a mere 5 years. I’m not knocking the changes, quite the contrary. Pregnancy and marriage are beautiful things. But the idea of growing up still kind of makes me want to, well, throw up (Is it weird that I still have my childhood toys and get excited when I see toy stores and playgrounds?).

Now that I am a married young woman, the concept of having children starts swirling in my mind.

Sometimes I think I don’t want kids (I’m fine with my cat, thank you), and other times I want one like, right now. It’s really kind of funny how that happens. I guess the idea of creating a little being that is part me and part my husband just makes me so giddy inside.

And I also think having a little person around gives me a free pass to play with toys and act silly without being considered weird. 😛

But then my stomach sinks as I think of all the things that come with parenthood. As my husband puts it: “It [parenthood] is constant.”

So what is it about parenthood that I am afraid of?

How about the whole “constant” thing, and just about everything else.

One of the major fears is messing the child up. Like, what if I explode in fits of impatience or anger that I say something that can ruin their self-esteem?

And there are so many parenting methods, and tons of people just waiting to give you advice, that it’s overwhelming, and I’m afraid of screwing it all up. It’s not like I can erase the mistakes or my child’s memory.

And what if the child makes decisions that break my heart? And the teenage phase? Ughhh.

And if anything tragic ever happened to my child, forget it — I would just die.

A lot of times I think, the less emotional attachments I have, the less pain I’ll go through.

I know, I know, how melodramatic. But it’s a true thought, nonetheless.

Am I ready for that?

Am I ready to lose sleep, to eat at odd times, to spend my time, money, and energy on another human basically for their entire lives?

What about traveling with a child? Or dealing with dietary restrictions? Discipline? The list goes on…

And don’t even get me started on the physical aspects of pregnancy…

Birth pains and the possibility of an emergency C-section? Ummm….no thank you.

All of this sounds pretty negative, I know.

But I’m not all negative (honest). I often find myself grinning at the idea of being a parent, having a little mini around that I get to watch grow.

The good news is, I don’t have to panic just yet. Hopefully the churning in my stomach will subside, and in a few years I think it’ll all be worth it.

Or not.

Until next,

Waging a War Inside

You know what it’s like when you want to scream inside a glass room, and then break it all apart?

I’ve been feeling like that.

Normally people, myself included, are quick to blame these wack feelings all on PMS or whatever. Except I don’t know if I could play that card.

It’s spring break. We decided to make the most out of this week of not having to study by, you know, doing things.

Friday we took a ride up to the mountains. Peaceful.

Saturday I have church. Restful.

Sunday went to a vegan street fair. Tasteful.

Monday we saw a movie. Not so peaceful, restful, or tasteful.

The movie was cute and all, but it reminded me of why I don’t like going to the movies all that much anymore. I’m hypersensitive, and most movies are not my style. I felt an odd sense of distaste watching this particular movie because underneath all that cuteness were some messages that were…questionable, at best.

I don’t agree with the points it was trying to get across, at least not anymore.

Eesh… how self-centered does that sound?

I’m not trying to be self-centered. I’m not trying to be obnoxious. I’m trying to be honest.

Tuesday night we went to a sporting event at a very popular arena with some very popular players. I didn’t care much to go to begin with, but hey, it’s spring break.

But I felt as uncomfortable there as I did in that movie theater.

After the event, we went to grab a bite at a place that was open late. Driving by it to find parking, there was such loud music blasting from the joint, I thought it was a club.

Great.

Lo and behold, it was a restaurant and a bar, and it was happy hour.

Que the uncomfortable feelings again.

Well why didn’t you just leave?

I thought of that. In fact, it was even suggested.

But I didn’t.

You see, there is this album that has been on of my favorites these last maybe 6 or so years. It’s accurately titled “The Devil and God Are Waging a War Inside Me.”

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe you’ve even heard it.

But that’s exactly how I feel sometimes, like a war is waging inside of me.

You know that peace I was talking about last post? That’s all disrupted when I’m faced with places, people, or things I don’t associate with anymore.

I don’t want to be around those things. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to run away and disappear, or try to ignore it somehow.

It’s true. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was in my teenage and young adult years, or even 4 years ago. I’m not a progressive thinker when it comes to morality. The truth I believe in is unchangeable and unchanging.

I realize how unpopular that can (and will) make me. I realize I could lose friends, and even family. The trick is not to let it bother me, and not to compromise.

And I’m always reminded that I can’t run away.

Even though I struggle with old desires, the only way people will know that I’m firm in what I believe in is if I’m consistent. I’m not here to play anymore games, to flirt with darkness or my past.

This is why I feel like breaking glass. This is why I want to run away.

But I can’t.

Thanks for reading,

On Letting Go

I’m going to make this short and sweet. I’ve felt quite rotten these last few days.

Flustered. Distracted.Unmotivated.

Have you ever tried to escape something, or let it go somehow, yet it finds its way back to you?

For me, whether in dreams or in actual reality, it manages to creep back in. And sometimes it’s at the most inconvenient of times. Actually, I can’t think of a time when it would be convenient, since I am trying to avoid the thing after all. Now “it” can be more than one thing, of course. “It” could be people, memories, a bad habit. Usually when I’m feeling rotten, I don’t want to do anything at all. I want to be nothing, do nothing, go nowhere. But this time I chose to harness that rottenness and work on this ongoing fictional piece I started 4 years ago. It started out as an idea for a novel, though I don’t even know if it’s going to be a novel, or anything at all for that matter.

Anyway. While digging up all my scattered notes written on limp napkins and stained paper scraps, I discovered all these other things I had written. Dark things. Sad things. Things I really didn’t want to revisit. I didn’t feel like going into those spaces, but I thought, maybe I should force myself to go back there, you know, to spark the creative life out of that stagnant part of my creative brain. Though after reading through a lot of it, I started to feel uncomfortable. Still, I kept reading because I was trying to, how do I put this, place a hot iron over a bloody wound. But then I thought, “Now wait just a minute. I don’t have to force myself to do anything. I don’t want to revisit these old spaces, so I won’t.” Even though I was in a bit of a daze from being transferred back into those feelings, I pushed my way past the gauze and I gathered up those scattered notes and slid them back into the folder I kept them in. I don’t want to revisit those demons, and I don’t have to.

I don’t want to relive the past. I’m done being stuck and unable to move on. I’m sick of nostalgia. For so long I let myself mourn over the past, over things I wish I would have done — or would not have done — or things I wish I could still do, or the youth that I feel has left me. Cheesy and “new age-y” as this may sound, I’ve discovered a new path I want to travel on. (Note, I am definitely not new age-y.)

I want to travel on a path that looks ahead, and not behind. A road that looks at the good and beautiful things I have in my life right now, the things that have made me truly and genuinely happy. I’ve longed to say that word and actually mean it. I’ve discovered this incredible peace and joy, and no past memory on earth can take that from me. So I’m going to dust away those unwanted tracks I’ve left in the dirt behind me and only focus on the good parts of my past, the parts that involve my childhood and my family. And I am going to focus on the new tracks I’m making now in my young adulthood, with my new friends and family.

So farewell old baggage. I won’t think of you fondly. Ain’t nobody got time for that 😉

Until next,

Gods Before Me

Anyone who has read any of my blog posts already knows this.

I am very much an advocate for avoiding things that are, in my opinion, quite obvious followers of Christ need to avoid. To a lot of others (Christians included), it isn’t quite so obvious. (This goes along with what I write about in one of my previous posts.)

For example, I think people who profess Christianity should not have sex before marriage, should not gamble, and should not partake in alcoholic beverages, regardless of the amount.

But that’s just it, is it my opinion, or is there biblical evidence to support why Christians should avoid certain things? (Phil.4:8 and 1 Cor. 10:31 are usually the starting points.)

Yeah, I know the Bible doesn’t actually say thou shalt not gamble, but the principles of good stewardship (how to handle and how not to handle our money) are definitely there.

Anyway, I don’t know how many times I’ve had to tell people, “No, I won’t watch that movie because it’s about this, that, or the other” without having to answer to, “Well why does that matter?“

Look, I am by no means perfect. I don’t have all the answers. I am still learning (and will always be learning) on this spiritual journey I am on.

But I have just have to address this topic. What things in my life have I made “other gods” before my God?

Contrary to popular belief, the “gods” in the first commandment do not only involve idolatry over statues or carved images, but involve whatever other things we put primary in our lives.

Before I really started becoming serious about my walk with God, I never spent time reading, praying, or anything spiritual during the week. One day a week for church was good enough. I put everything else before God. I would stand in line all day just to see a band I liked, I would wake up early to score some tickets to a concert, I would put friends, boyfriends, entertainment, school, and even family before God (family is always a touchy one).

Basically, I always put myself and what I wanted before God. I never sought His counsel before making any decision.

But then I heard this: Giving the gospel to the world in this generation is our ultimate goal and purpose in the Christian’s life.

And I learned to ask myself this question: What am I doing in my life that is causing reading the Bible and other good things (attending church, witnessing/evangelizing, going to a Bible study,etc.) to be boring?

It’s all those things I listed and more. It’s all those things in my life I put before God.

Matthew 7:21-23 talks about people who profess to be followers of Christ but do not do what He commands us to do. Are we living a life like this, a Christian life where Christ will say to us, “I knew you not?”

I know what some of you might be thinking…this is too extreme. You’re being too extreme. Christ died so we don’t have to worry about any of this.

Let me just say, that is completely false. Read 1 Peter and 1 Thessalonians for what people following Christ should expect in their Christian walk.

There are plenty of people in the Bible who did some pretty “extreme” things because God commanded them to (e.g., Noah, Abraham, Moses, just to name a few).

So let me ask you this: Is doing what God asks you to do, what He asks each and every one of His people to do, really too extreme?

“Their sorrows shall be multiplied who hasten after another god…”

That’s really the point of this post. Are there things in my life that I am serving instead of God? Is Christ the supreme love of my life? Am I willing to give up the things He knows are bad for me, things that take away my focus from Him?

The beautiful promise He gives us is that no matter what our habits are and no matter how much we struggle with them, He will provide a way for us to overcome. Habits are hard to break, and the guilt from them is often overpowering.

But guilt is meant to be momentary,not chronic.

“Let these despondent ones look up, the Savior is bending over the purchase of His blood. Will to serve him, and in acting upon His word you will receive strength.”

The Desire of Ages

Until next,

Thanks to Belt of Truth Ministries for inspiring this post.

Use Somebody

What to do when people use you.

Hiiiii, guys 😀 I’m especially chipper today, probably because I was finally able to exercise after being sick for a week. Buuuuut that’s not the point of this post.

The point is, dear friends, that last post I had said I was probably going to write about something that recently happened to me. Well, I had a dream about it last night so I took that as a prompt to go ahead and write. Now, I’m not going to focus on the details of the actual events, but rather how I dealt (and am still dealing) with it.

This post has a lot to do with last post because it puts the idea of meekness into practice. Before I go there, I want to address something.

I was never really the one to go out of my way to help someone who was not a family member. If it inconvenienced me in anyway, I usually said no. That’s just how I started thinking over time—if I have to make any kind of sacrifice, I’m not doing it.

It’s not easy, but I have been learning to be more selfless, to focus on others more than on myself, to make sacrifices, to stop complaining, and to be kinder.

Last year sometime someone had asked a pretty big favor of me. Right off the bat, I wanted to say no. Most people would say no. I struggled for a week trying to decide the best thing to do, because I honestly wanted to help this person. I also did not want to enable them. You see, this person had been making some really bad decisions. It’s safe to say they abused trust and took advantage of kindness. I prayed, sought advice, and prayed some more. Thankfully, I didn’t do what the person had asked and dodged some major potential bullets.

Recently, another similar ordeal took place. My husband and I had been communicating with some people we just met. Their situation sounded desperate, so we helped the best we could. Then the favors became bigger. We tried to figure out the best solutions for them, but none of the things we tried seemed to be to their liking. Then they dropped out of the picture and stopped communicating with us completely. It was like they put on this front just to see what they could get from us. Long story short, they abused our trust and took advantage of our kindness, and we felt duped and used.

In both situations, I found myself thinking: How could people use other people like that?!

Normally, I would have been like, “Forget it, I’m never helping anyone ever again!” Actually, I normally wouldn’t have even thought to help them like we did— I would have thought, it’s their problem, not mine.

But I don’t, and I can’t, think like that anymore. The way meekness ties in with this story is that I easily could have flipped my lid and went off on these people. In fact, old me would have. But how did I define meekness last week?

Meekness is doing the right thing, even when you’re wronged. It’s doing something for someone without expecting anything back in return.

That’s how I’m shifting my thinking now.

I can get bitter and entirely heated up about what they did, but instead, I’m still going to wish them well, I’m still going to pray for them, and I’m still going to give meekness my best shot.

So, I’ll end my post with a question:

How do you handle people who’ve used or mistreated you?

Until next,

I’m So Proud

What really is the driving force behind your reactions?

Sometimes does what you do seem so incredibly annoying that you wonder why you even exist? Okay, maybe you don’t take it to that extreme, but you get what I’m saying.

Why is it that we do things we know will make us look silly? Or that we know we’ll regret? Or we know will annoy this person? Or even more spectacularly, why do we do what we told ourselves not to do just a few minutes earlier? It’s like we willingly walk into it sometimes!

I’m currently reading this book where the author says time and time again that people’s rude, mean, unloving, etc. behavior doesn’t mean their intent was rude, mean, unloving, etc.

I don’t know why, but I have a hard time grasping that. How can I look past someone’s behavior without thinking their intent is what lead them to behave that way?

Well, to put things into perspective, he states plainly that not many people wake up thinking, “Hey, how can I make this person’s life miserable today?” It’s just human nature to make mistakes, and sometimes we let our emotions get the best of us.

It’s at those times when my emotions get the best of me that I would rather just go off somewhere by myself and chill out for a sec…just grab some crackers and watch some anime, and things will be okay.

Though what I really should do in those moments is pray, and definitely not mope.

I don’t want to react certain ways. But you see, what it really comes down to is pride. My pride is what makes me react certain ways. Pride is what gets people into disagreements, arguments, and full-on fights. Pride can be deadly.

People hold grudges and don’t apologize because of pride. Marriages are ruined because of pride. People turn from God because of pride.

One day I left the radio on for my cat while I got ready to leave for the day. I had to scan to a random station for a good signal, and it landed on what I thought was a talk show, so I left it there. But when I got home, it was playing a song that caught my attention. Its lyrics basically were about not needing Jesus because faith in oneself is enough.

Pride. Pride is what helped that person write that song.

It got me thinking, that person probably had some really bad experience(s) in their life that led them to feel this way.

The other day I came across a status update I had written a few years ago about religion. Someone had replied, saying people who step away from religion most likely had some traumatic experience. I don’t think it was coincidence that I came across that old post shortly after I heard that song.

Pride, either hurt pride or inflated pride, is what drives us to make a lot of the decisions we make, and is also what formulates the way we think.

I’m trying to decide if I should talk about something that recently happened to me right now or if I should wait for another post…

Well, let me just say this for now: Last week I read a lot about what it means to be meek.

Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 12.21.07 PM.png — Merriam-Webster

It’s doing the right thing even when you’re wronged. It’s being kind when people aren’t kind back. Meekness is not in my character. I tend to get sassy and bratty when things don’t go my way. Well, I guess I’m kind of a mixed bag. I don’t like confrontation and often avoid it, but I equally dislike being mistreated or seeing a loved one being mistreated. I also definitely don’t like not getting my way (yes, I’m guilty). But I’ve accepted that meekness should be the dominant part of my character, because it is the exact opposite of pride. I don’t need more pride in my life. Pride is no bueno, especially in a marriage.

I feel my pride needs to take a back seat. I need to take what hurts my feelings and overlook them, or more accurately, give them to God. This is a major struggle for me and I constantly need to be praying for self to be put last. I’m not always going to get what I want or hear what I want to hear.

Also, I’m just going to come out and say it: it’s always about other people before it’s about you. Okay, okay, before you toss your stones at me, I realize there are some major exceptions. But again, this is where prayer and seeking advice comes into play, at least for me. How do I determine those exceptions?

Generally speaking, I’ve decided I want to put others’ needs before my own.

Meekness is not a sign of weakness, and pride is not a trait we should be fueling.

Meekness is a sign of maturity, at least in my book. Am I going to sit back and let someone abuse my child? No. Am I going to sit back and let someone write hate comments and tell me I’m dumb for believing in God? Yes.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.”

Until I talk about that thing that recently happened to me in my next post,