Waging a War Inside

You know what it’s like when you want to scream inside a glass room, and then break it all apart?

I’ve been feeling like that.

Normally people, myself included, are quick to blame these wack feelings all on PMS or whatever. Except I don’t know if I could play that card.

It’s spring break. We decided to make the most out of this week of not having to study by, you know, doing things.

Friday we took a ride up to the mountains. Peaceful.

Saturday I have church. Restful.

Sunday went to a vegan street fair. Tasteful.

Monday we saw a movie. Not so peaceful, restful, or tasteful.

The movie was cute and all, but it reminded me of why I don’t like going to the movies all that much anymore. I’m hypersensitive, and most movies are not my style. I felt an odd sense of distaste watching this particular movie because underneath all that cuteness were some messages that were…questionable, at best.

I don’t agree with the points it was trying to get across, at least not anymore.

Eesh… how self-centered does that sound?

I’m not trying to be self-centered. I’m not trying to be obnoxious. I’m trying to be honest.

Tuesday night we went to a sporting event at a very popular arena with some very popular players. I didn’t care much to go to begin with, but hey, it’s spring break.

But I felt as uncomfortable there as I did in that movie theater.

After the event, we went to grab a bite at a place that was open late. Driving by it to find parking, there was such loud music blasting from the joint, I thought it was a club.

Great.

Lo and behold, it was a restaurant and a bar, and it was happy hour.

Que the uncomfortable feelings again.

Well why didn’t you just leave?

I thought of that. In fact, it was even suggested.

But I didn’t.

You see, there is this album that has been on of my favorites these last maybe 6 or so years. It’s accurately titled “The Devil and God Are Waging a War Inside Me.”

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe you’ve even heard it.

But that’s exactly how I feel sometimes, like a war is waging inside of me.

You know that peace I was talking about last post? That’s all disrupted when I’m faced with places, people, or things I don’t associate with anymore.

I don’t want to be around those things. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to run away and disappear, or try to ignore it somehow.

It’s true. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was in my teenage and young adult years, or even 4 years ago. I’m not a progressive thinker when it comes to morality. The truth I believe in is unchangeable and unchanging.

I realize how unpopular that can (and will) make me. I realize I could lose friends, and even family. The trick is not to let it bother me, and not to compromise.

And I’m always reminded that I can’t run away.

Even though I struggle with old desires, the only way people will know that I’m firm in what I believe in is if I’m consistent. I’m not here to play anymore games, to flirt with darkness or my past.

This is why I feel like breaking glass. This is why I want to run away.

But I can’t.

Thanks for reading,