Somebody Change Me

I don’t care how you do it, just change me.

Have you ever wondered if you needed to change?

Does anybody ever think that?

I mean really, who admits there is some part about them that is flawed and needs fixing?

And what do we do about it when we do admit we need change?

A lot of people just tell themselves and the world “Hey, that’s just the way I am. And all ya’ll just have to deal with it.”

But then you have those others who only focus on the things they need to change. The ones who find flaws in almost every part of their character.

But who tells them they need to change? Who defines what are acceptable and unacceptable traits?

Do we let people tell us what we need to change, or do we find out for ourselves? But it’s not like we can just ask ourselves in the mirror one day “Hey what do I have to change today?”

What do we change, and how?

What traits are just a part of who we are?

And where do we find freedom?

From the End of the Earth Will I Cry

Sometimes there are things I think I’ll never write about, and other times it feels right to write about them, so I think one of those times to write about one of those things is right now.

(Ha ha, hope that wasn’t confusing to read)

I know part of the reason why I don’t write or talk about these things is because it will make me entirely vulnerable.

And also entirely open to criticism because people could think a number of things, like:

“Why is she publicly writing about something so private?”

Some of it should stay private, and some of it should be shared, and it should be shared because it might help others, it might help you, and it will most likely help me.

I am all about making connections, and if any of these posts help make a connection, I’m all about that.

So here we go.

I recently came back from my honeymoon, and while it was great and beautiful, I battled with something inside me for what felt like the entire time of the trip.

Actually, I feel like I’ve been battling it for awhile. Something like 9 years, awhile.

Now, I get that this time in my life calls for such “normal” feelings. Feelings like nostalgia, sadness, homesickness, growing pains, etc, which basically means I’m having a little difficulty transitioning into an entirely different life. I mean, a couple months ago I was still living at home with my dad and brother, curled up next to my cat every night, and now I’m sharing an entire living space with one other person in an entirely new area ( and sans cat 😥 )

But these feelings go beyond that.

Way beyond that.

I can’t remember exactly when, but I recall maybe about a year ago or so I was feeling depressed a lot. I don’t mean just sadness, I mean I would be sitting at dinner with my husband, my then-boyfriend, totally spacing out, not eating, start crying for who knows what reason, and blurt out that if I had an off switch for life, I’d switch it off.

Yeah, it was that kind of sadness.

It felt like a dark pit. And the worst part was that NOTHING was going wrong in my life.

And after all the nights I’d cry myself to sleep, I finally stopped trying to fix myself and started praying, hard. Thank God I was relieved for awhile, a long while.

But those feelings came back a few weeks ago. I would feel this overwhelming sadness, and the tiniest thing would start this avalanche of emotions. In the happiest and most romantic moments, I’d end up crying.

And then I would get even more sad because I felt like I was ruining the trip for my husband. But I thank my God that He blessed me with an amazing, caring, selfless, patient, and generous being who doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body and tried to help me as best he could.

On one of the worst nights, we were sitting in a nice restaurant when I felt myself start going down…I started to space out and the people around me, the smiling, the laughter, all became a bunch of noise, noise I couldn’t handle, so I ended up walking out, leaving my husband and more than half my dinner at the table, tears spilling out uncontrollably.

It was awful.

As I sat in the car by myself, head against the steering wheel, I prayed for God to take the pain away, to take away all the heaviness I had in my head and my heart.

After all, He said His grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness…

In MY weaknesses. All of them. And little by little, every moment I remembered to lay it all at His feet, I instantly felt better.

And the same can be said now. It’s remembering not to take on the burden myself that is the hardest thing to do, because the last thing I feel like doing in times of hurt is praying.

But when I feel myself having a bad day, or a bad week, I sing:

“From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”

Blessed assurance.

I ran into a woman today who shared with me her experience with sleeplessness and depression, and it reassured me that this post was appropriate to write after all.

And on top of that, I have a heavy burden tonight for a particular family of young men who have been going through rough times at home. I hope this post finds you, and reassures you that you are loved and you are not alone.

Until next time,

Words Will Always Hurt Me

Do you ever have those moments when you say or do something, and you’re like…

Where the HECK did that come from? And WHY the HECK did I just do/say that?

Of course you do.

And bloody freakin’ yeah, I have those moments too.

All. Of. The. Time.

Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it:

I have a problem.

Or I think it’s a problem, at least.

When I was in middle school (shoot, maybe even younger) I would say I had developed a bit of a cursing problem. Darn, there’s that word again:

PROBLEM.

So much so that my friend and I made a bet to see if we could last a certain amount of time without cussing. I’m pretty sure that bet was made in middle school. And I’m pretty sure it didn’t last.

And once high school came along, FORGET IT. I was Bad-Word Betty.

And for the most part,

I didn’t care.

I would even cuss in front and even to my parents (Lord have mercy).

And when I became angry… it was like silver bullets from a machine gun into the heart of an unguarded werewolf (yay me for that cheesy analogy).

Around the time I turned 21 or so, I started to make some pretty big changes in my young adult life. All of it stemmed from new discoveries I made of something greater than anything on this earth, and a new relationship I formed with something greater than myself.

And I thought all my problems with cursing would go away.

But it didn’t. And it still hasn’t. STILL. Even with all the change in my heart, even with all the commitments I’ve made and the advice I’ve given and the character development and the righteous life I try to live…

I fall short.

And it makes me want to give up every single time. What the heck have I been accomplishing so far? People aren’t going to listen to what I have to say, they’re all going to think I’m such a joke.

It is as if there has been no change in me at all, and that is an awful, sinking feeling.

I recently read that the tongue is an untamable force, and words can make or break a person, potentially ruining them for life.

You would think after reading something like that that it would make me extra careful with my words, especially towards the people I love.

And yet there I find myself time and time again blurting some nasty thing out in a fit of anger…

And I hate myself for it.

But that is just it. Even despite all that, I am reminded that I, in and of myself, cannot control a single thing in my life. I can only trust that my efforts in becoming a better person and the aid I’m receiving in doing so will reap rich rewards.

I just have to keep pushing through and working to change all my annoying character flaws and have faith that my efforts are not in vain.

Heck, shouldn’t we all be doing that?

“And therefore, brethren, let us be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath…”

Bonus points if you can finish that sentence.

Until next time,

Emdigistar