Sometimes there are things I think I’ll never write about, and other times it feels right to write about them, so I think one of those times to write about one of those things is right now.
(Ha ha, hope that wasn’t confusing to read)
I know part of the reason why I don’t write or talk about these things is because it will make me entirely vulnerable.
And also entirely open to criticism because people could think a number of things, like:
“Why is she publicly writing about something so private?”
Some of it should stay private, and some of it should be shared, and it should be shared because it might help others, it might help you, and it will most likely help me.
I am all about making connections, and if any of these posts help make a connection, I’m all about that.
So here we go.
I recently came back from my honeymoon, and while it was great and beautiful, I battled with something inside me for what felt like the entire time of the trip.
Actually, I feel like I’ve been battling it for awhile. Something like 9 years, awhile.
Now, I get that this time in my life calls for such “normal” feelings. Feelings like nostalgia, sadness, homesickness, growing pains, etc, which basically means I’m having a little difficulty transitioning into an entirely different life. I mean, a couple months ago I was still living at home with my dad and brother, curled up next to my cat every night, and now I’m sharing an entire living space with one other person in an entirely new area ( and sans cat 😥 )
But these feelings go beyond that.
Way beyond that.
I can’t remember exactly when, but I recall maybe about a year ago or so I was feeling depressed a lot. I don’t mean just sadness, I mean I would be sitting at dinner with my husband, my then-boyfriend, totally spacing out, not eating, start crying for who knows what reason, and blurt out that if I had an off switch for life, I’d switch it off.
Yeah, it was that kind of sadness.
It felt like a dark pit. And the worst part was that NOTHING was going wrong in my life.
And after all the nights I’d cry myself to sleep, I finally stopped trying to fix myself and started praying, hard. Thank God I was relieved for awhile, a long while.
But those feelings came back a few weeks ago. I would feel this overwhelming sadness, and the tiniest thing would start this avalanche of emotions. In the happiest and most romantic moments, I’d end up crying.
And then I would get even more sad because I felt like I was ruining the trip for my husband. But I thank my God that He blessed me with an amazing, caring, selfless, patient, and generous being who doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body and tried to help me as best he could.
On one of the worst nights, we were sitting in a nice restaurant when I felt myself start going down…I started to space out and the people around me, the smiling, the laughter, all became a bunch of noise, noise I couldn’t handle, so I ended up walking out, leaving my husband and more than half my dinner at the table, tears spilling out uncontrollably.
It was awful.
As I sat in the car by myself, head against the steering wheel, I prayed for God to take the pain away, to take away all the heaviness I had in my head and my heart.
After all, He said His grace is sufficient for me, for His strength is made perfect in weakness…
In MY weaknesses. All of them. And little by little, every moment I remembered to lay it all at His feet, I instantly felt better.
And the same can be said now. It’s remembering not to take on the burden myself that is the hardest thing to do, because the last thing I feel like doing in times of hurt is praying.
But when I feel myself having a bad day, or a bad week, I sing:
“From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”
I ran into a woman today who shared with me her experience with sleeplessness and depression, and it reassured me that this post was appropriate to write after all.
And on top of that, I have a heavy burden tonight for a particular family of young men who have been going through rough times at home. I hope this post finds you, and reassures you that you are loved and you are not alone.
Until next time,