Do you ever have those moments when you say or do something, and you’re like…
Where the HECK did that come from? And WHY the HECK did I just do/say that?
Of course you do.
And bloody freakin’ yeah, I have those moments too.
All. Of. The. Time.
Alright, I’m just going to come out and say it:
I have a problem.
Or I think it’s a problem, at least.
When I was in middle school (shoot, maybe even younger) I would say I had developed a bit of a cursing problem. Darn, there’s that word again:
PROBLEM.
So much so that my friend and I made a bet to see if we could last a certain amount of time without cussing. I’m pretty sure that bet was made in middle school. And I’m pretty sure it didn’t last.
And once high school came along, FORGET IT. I was Bad-Word Betty.
And for the most part,
I didn’t care.
I would even cuss in front and even to my parents (Lord have mercy).
And when I became angry… it was like silver bullets from a machine gun into the heart of an unguarded werewolf (yay me for that cheesy analogy).
Around the time I turned 21 or so, I started to make some pretty big changes in my young adult life. All of it stemmed from new discoveries I made of something greater than anything on this earth, and a new relationship I formed with something greater than myself.
And I thought all my problems with cursing would go away.
But it didn’t. And it still hasn’t. STILL. Even with all the change in my heart, even with all the commitments I’ve made and the advice I’ve given and the character development and the righteous life I try to live…
I fall short.
And it makes me want to give up every single time. What the heck have I been accomplishing so far? People aren’t going to listen to what I have to say, they’re all going to think I’m such a joke.
It is as if there has been no change in me at all, and that is an awful, sinking feeling.
I recently read that the tongue is an untamable force, and words can make or break a person, potentially ruining them for life.
You would think after reading something like that that it would make me extra careful with my words, especially towards the people I love.
And yet there I find myself time and time again blurting some nasty thing out in a fit of anger…
And I hate myself for it.
But that is just it. Even despite all that, I am reminded that I, in and of myself, cannot control a single thing in my life. I can only trust that my efforts in becoming a better person and the aid I’m receiving in doing so will reap rich rewards.
I just have to keep pushing through and working to change all my annoying character flaws and have faith that my efforts are not in vain.
Heck, shouldn’t we all be doing that?
“And therefore, brethren, let us be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath…”
Bonus points if you can finish that sentence.
Until next time,
Emdigistar
A Heart for Heaven 