A Fire Inside

“So the other day was weird. Just before I finished the first blog post of ‘Through Being Cool,’ I had gone out to Disneyland with my fiancé…”

That’s how I started the draft of this blog post back in August. After reading it, I couldn’t exactly remember what I was going to write about. But I wish I could! The only thing that came to mind was the sometimes occurring, and often overwhelming, feeling I get when old me wants to come out to play hard, hence the “fire inside.”

Yes, it feels like a fire: a fire that naturally wants to destroy anything and everything in its path (but mainly it wants to destroy me).

That Disney day’s particular fire, I’m guessing, revolved around booze, as it often(but not only) does.

I suddenly got the OVERWHELMING urge to drink, and if some clever,sneaky fellow offered me one at that time I would have taken it in a heart beat.

All of my hard work of temperance would end, right then, right there. No self-control…

“WAIT, BUT WHY?! I’m confused. Why do you still get the urge to drink even now? Shouldn’t that repulse you?”

I don’t know. Maybe because there are two sides of me, two beasts that are constantly battling each other…

Good vs. bad.

The carnal dog and the spiritual dog.

Okay I feel I must interject, here:

I was not an alcoholic. I just liked to party.

And with the partying came bad, bad choices. And bad choices lead to ruined relationships and even more bad choices.

It was like I couldn’t control myself.

Whatever princess-like idea anyone had of me could just fly out the window as fast as projectile vomit.

I was definitely not a princess.

“But Marissa, why do you even fight it? Just embrace who you really are, man.”

No. That is not who I am.

I thank the Lord Almighty that I am a new creation. The old me has passed away, and all things have become new…

It’s hard not to feel so disgusted with myself when I think about the mistakes I made, especially when I get these weird urges ( I think I’ll call myself Flame Princess whenever these urges come;) )

I hate it when I feel this way. I hate that I feel like I don’t have a grasp of my temptations…

But that’s just it. When I feel this way I’m reminded that it ISN’T my own will power. It’s something much, much greater than that.

And I also want to say this:

It is MUCH, MUCH easier being “bad” and doing the “cool” thing . If you really want to challenge yourself, try being different from everyone else your age.

Until next time,

Em

 

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Through Being Cool

I feel as though this entry may be written too prematurely since I really wanted to make another post before this one, but circumstances have led me to post this first.

So that being said, here it goes. So this blog title is from an album title of a band I used to listen to quite often in my  middle school days and is just SO appropriate: The album cover is of the band members sitting squished together on a couch with bored-looking faces as the others are enjoying a house party behind them.

That is exactly how I feel at this time in my life.

Not “bored” necessarily, but just through with it all, trying to live for something bigger and better than myself.

I made the decision to be “socially abstinent” ( a phrase I’ll use for abstaining from the usual young-adult social activities like drinking and partying) around the time when I just turned 21, which of course was odd timing.

You decided to stop drinking at 21?! MADNESS!!

Yeah I did make that decision, except there was one problem: it didn’t last.

I mean really, no wonder it didn’t last. I was caught in between telling(or rather, sort of telling) my social group that I was “trying to stay away from alcohol” while still going out with them to bars every week. No wonder I struggled.

Needless to say, I downward spiraled. My glass of water turned into mixed drinks and beer before I knew it.

And I just accepted that. I didn’t want to be that loser who wasn’t socializing with the masses. Heck, who wants to be left out? I know I certainly did not and still don’t.

I HATE the feeling of being left out. I always have. I always longed for that group of friends that I can turn to no matter what, but that group died out the summer before I entered high school (go figure) and the group I formed in high school died out just before college (go figure).

So naturally in my young adult life I want that again. But here is the twist…

I don’t drink anymore. At all. Ever.

I also don’t:

-Party

-Go to clubs

-Do drugs

-Have sex (wait, WHAT. But you’re 24!! Yeah, yeah, I’ll address this one later).

-Go to bars (generally) UNLESS there is some type of event like a birthday or a concert, and even then I have to really question if going there will benefit me.

“But you can have fun and still go to those places, just don’t drink!”

Look, that may be all fine and dandy to some people, but the reality is that I know I struggled being in certain environments. The fact is:

If you’re trying to change your life, you need to say goodbye to that old man.

So goodbye I said, and I haven’t looked back ever since. I have been nearly two years sober ( it will officially be two years on my 25th birthday) and  nearly 10 months sexually abstinent.

That does not mean I don’t struggle.

I do. But I have had so much change happen in my heart that I just can’t accept going back to that lifestyle.

I will elaborate on those struggles and the reasons why I made changes in a later post.

Until then,

Marissa