“So the other day was weird. Just before I finished the first blog post of ‘Through Being Cool,’ I had gone out to Disneyland with my fiancé…”
That’s how I started the draft of this blog post back in August. After reading it, I couldn’t exactly remember what I was going to write about. But I wish I could! The only thing that came to mind was the sometimes occurring, and often overwhelming, feeling I get when old me wants to come out to play hard, hence the “fire inside.”
Yes, it feels like a fire: a fire that naturally wants to destroy anything and everything in its path (but mainly it wants to destroy me).
That Disney day’s particular fire, I’m guessing, revolved around booze, as it often(but not only) does.
I suddenly got the OVERWHELMING urge to drink, and if some clever,sneaky fellow offered me one at that time I would have taken it in a heart beat.
All of my hard work of temperance would end, right then, right there. No self-control…
“WAIT, BUT WHY?! I’m confused. Why do you still get the urge to drink even now? Shouldn’t that repulse you?”
I don’t know. Maybe because there are two sides of me, two beasts that are constantly battling each other…
Good vs. bad.
The carnal dog and the spiritual dog.
Okay I feel I must interject, here:
I was not an alcoholic. I just liked to party.
And with the partying came bad, bad choices. And bad choices lead to ruined relationships and even more bad choices.
It was like I couldn’t control myself.
Whatever princess-like idea anyone had of me could just fly out the window as fast as projectile vomit.
I was definitely not a princess.
“But Marissa, why do you even fight it? Just embrace who you really are, man.”
No. That is not who I am.
I thank the Lord Almighty that I am a new creation. The old me has passed away, and all things have become new…
It’s hard not to feel so disgusted with myself when I think about the mistakes I made, especially when I get these weird urges ( I think I’ll call myself Flame Princess whenever these urges come;) )
I hate it when I feel this way. I hate that I feel like I don’t have a grasp of my temptations…
But that’s just it. When I feel this way I’m reminded that it ISN’T my own will power. It’s something much, much greater than that.
And I also want to say this:
It is MUCH, MUCH easier being “bad” and doing the “cool” thing . If you really want to challenge yourself, try being different from everyone else your age.
Until next time,
2 thoughts on “A Fire Inside”
Hi EM: This is so true. I have been walking with God for 38 years and I can tell you that I still struggle with the carnal dog. I would like to say it gets easier but it doesn’t. You get stronger and better at saying no but sometimes the temptation can pull you to the edge of giving in. Fortunately we do not go it alone. We have the added strength of the one who resides inside us and if we are truly enriched we have family and friends who are walking that same path to encourage us to finish our race.