Through Being Cool (Pt.2)

Lately I’ve been getting caught up in moments where I’m taken back to my high school days and early college years, taken back to things I said, things I did, people I hung around with, the way I dressed.

It totally blows my mind how all of those memories were actually my memories, my stories.

And to be honest, I was a different girl. And what blows my mind even more is when I look a myself now…

I’m like, totally whoa.

Who is this girl?

Or rather, who was that other girl, that other me?

Was that who I really am, or is this who I really am?

I recently overheard a conversation between a couple of people I know about their ongoing activities together. I think I just happened to look over and make eye contact, so one of them asked, “Why don’t you ever come out with us?”

And I said:

“Why don’t you ever invite me?”

To which one responded: “We’ll invite you next time.”
To which I responded, rather playfully: “Is it because I don’t drink?”

“Nooo, we don’t drink when we *name activity here*.”

Mhmmm, I though to myself. Sure you don’t. And suuuure that wasn’t your reason for not inviting me.

I know how it is sometimes.

Oh that girl? She doesn’t drink anymore. Don’t invite her, she’s no fun.

They may not say it, but I know some people think it.

I’m not that “cool,” rebellious chick that everyone admires.

And really, I probably wouldn’t have gone out with these people. Not because I don’t want to hang out with them, but because I think I would have felt kind of awkward.

Why, you may wonder?

Well over the last two years or so, probably around the time I really stopped drinking, I noticed I started to shy away from making acquaintances at school, at work, anywhere I normally would, really, and I think it’s because I felt and still feel like I can never really bond with people, like I can’t really relate to them all that much anymore because a lot of my tastes have changed in many ways.

So I just stay away. This may or may not be the best thing to do, but it’s just what I’ve started doing after awhile.

I’ll be real, here: My social life resulted in a few relationships being messed up, and many relationships were formed that should have never been formed. It’s because of those situations that I think I’m way better off not being as social as I was, at least not in those kind of environments Boy, I feel like just this paragraph can be a blog post on it’s own…

And naturally after two years of “social abstinence,” I’m pretty awkward.

*Refer to previous TBC post to read my definition of “social abstinence”.

“Come out with us this weekend!”

“Sweet, I’m in. What’re we doing??”

“Bar hopping!”

Well shoot…I’m out.

Womp womp womp.

But that is how it has to be, my friends. What am I going to do bar hopping? Spend money on expensive soda while trying to yell over loud bar music? No thanks. I need to be different from the world, I need to be set apart, trying my best to avoid the things that can bring me down.

That is what He calls us to do, not to blend in with the crowd.

 Look, I know what you may be thinking…

“You’re being way too judgmental and legalistic, Em. We’re all sinners. Nobody’s perfect. We are in the world, after all.”

  Yes, some of that may be true, but I strongly believe and have reason to believe there are things in this world people as followers of Christ really should not be doing…at all…not even a little bit.

Think about who it is we are supposed to be representing…

I read the other day that

“We(I) have spent enough time involved with worldly people, when we (I) took part in lewdness, lusts, drunkenness, revelries, drinking parties…”

And it’s so true. I spent a lot of my time doing those things Peter says they (we) wasted time doing and need to stop doing.

So I woke up from the daze and confusion of the life I was living. I’m fighting against my fleshly desires to do what is right in His eyes, to be set apart, to be a special people…

To suffer for what is good.

( “Wait, fightingsuffering? Why would a God of love want us to fight and suffer?” I’ll try to address this in another post… Part 3 maybe?)

And really, why would I go around saying I’m “Christian” when I act like everyone else? How can I be God’s special possession when I’m still flirting around in darkness?

Until Part 3,

Em

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A Fire Inside

“So the other day was weird. Just before I finished the first blog post of ‘Through Being Cool,’ I had gone out to Disneyland with my fiancé…”

That’s how I started the draft of this blog post back in August. After reading it, I couldn’t exactly remember what I was going to write about. But I wish I could! The only thing that came to mind was the sometimes occurring, and often overwhelming, feeling I get when old me wants to come out to play hard, hence the “fire inside.”

Yes, it feels like a fire: a fire that naturally wants to destroy anything and everything in its path (but mainly it wants to destroy me).

That Disney day’s particular fire, I’m guessing, revolved around booze, as it often(but not only) does.

I suddenly got the OVERWHELMING urge to drink, and if some clever,sneaky fellow offered me one at that time I would have taken it in a heart beat.

All of my hard work of temperance would end, right then, right there. No self-control…

“WAIT, BUT WHY?! I’m confused. Why do you still get the urge to drink even now? Shouldn’t that repulse you?”

I don’t know. Maybe because there are two sides of me, two beasts that are constantly battling each other…

Good vs. bad.

The carnal dog and the spiritual dog.

Okay I feel I must interject, here:

I was not an alcoholic. I just liked to party.

And with the partying came bad, bad choices. And bad choices lead to ruined relationships and even more bad choices.

It was like I couldn’t control myself.

Whatever princess-like idea anyone had of me could just fly out the window as fast as projectile vomit.

I was definitely not a princess.

“But Marissa, why do you even fight it? Just embrace who you really are, man.”

No. That is not who I am.

I thank the Lord Almighty that I am a new creation. The old me has passed away, and all things have become new…

It’s hard not to feel so disgusted with myself when I think about the mistakes I made, especially when I get these weird urges ( I think I’ll call myself Flame Princess whenever these urges come;) )

I hate it when I feel this way. I hate that I feel like I don’t have a grasp of my temptations…

But that’s just it. When I feel this way I’m reminded that it ISN’T my own will power. It’s something much, much greater than that.

And I also want to say this:

It is MUCH, MUCH easier being “bad” and doing the “cool” thing . If you really want to challenge yourself, try being different from everyone else your age.

Until next time,

Em