Panic on the Streets of Parenthood

Why I’m afraid of having & raising a child.

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Well, the inevitable turn has happened—my social media feed has gone from check-ins at bars to pregnancy photos and marriage announcements. It’s bananas how much can change in just a mere 5 years. I’m not knocking the changes, quite the contrary. Pregnancy and marriage are beautiful things. But the idea of growing up still kind of makes me want to, well, throw up (Is it weird that I still have my childhood toys and get excited when I see toy stores and playgrounds?).

 

Now that I am a married young woman, the concept of having children starts swirling in my mind.

Sometimes I think I don’t want kids (I’m fine with my cat, thank you), and other times I want one like, right now. It’s really kind of funny how that happens. I guess the idea of creating a little being that is part me and part my husband just makes me so giddy inside.

And I also think having a little person around gives me a free pass to play with toys and act silly without being considered weird. 😛

But then my stomach sinks as I think of all the things that come with parenthood. As my husband puts it: “It [parenthood] is constant.”

So what is it about parenthood that I am afraid of?

How about the whole “constant” thing, and just about everything else.

One of the major fears is messing the child up. Like, what if I explode in fits of impatience or anger that I say something that can ruin their self-esteem?

And there are so many parenting methods, and tons of people just waiting to give you advice, that it’s overwhelming, and I’m afraid of screwing it all up. It’s not like I can erase the mistakes or my child’s memory.

And what if the child makes decisions that break my heart? And the teenage phase? Ughhh.

And if anything tragic ever happened to my child, forget it — I would just die.

A lot of times I think, the less emotional attachments I have, the less pain I’ll go through.

I know, I know, how melodramatic. But it’s a true thought, nonetheless.

Am I ready for that?

Am I ready to lose sleep, to eat at odd times, to spend my time, money, and energy on another human basically for their entire lives?

What about traveling with a child? Or dealing with dietary restrictions? Discipline? The list goes on…

And don’t even get me started on the physical aspects of pregnancy…

Birth pains and the possibility of an emergency C-section? Ummm….no thank you.

All of this sounds pretty negative, I know.

But I’m not all negative (honest). I often find myself grinning at the idea of being a parent, having a little mini around that I get to watch grow.

The good news is, I don’t have to panic just yet. Hopefully the churning in my stomach will subside, and in a few years I think it’ll all be worth it.

Or not.

Until next,

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Waging a War Inside

You know what it’s like when you want to scream inside a glass room, and then break it all apart?

I’ve been feeling like that.

Normally people, myself included, are quick to blame these wack feelings all on PMS or whatever. Except I don’t know if I could play that card.

It’s spring break. We decided to make the most out of this week of not having to study by, you know, doing things.

Friday we took a ride up to the mountains. Peaceful.

Saturday I have church. Restful.

Sunday went to a vegan street fair. Tasteful.

Monday we saw a movie. Not so peaceful, restful, or tasteful.

The movie was cute and all, but it reminded me of why I don’t like going to the movies all that much anymore. I’m hypersensitive, and most movies are not my style. I felt an odd sense of distaste watching this particular movie because underneath all that cuteness were some messages that were…questionable, at best.

I don’t agree with the points it was trying to get across, at least not anymore.

Eesh… how self-centered does that sound?

I’m not trying to be self-centered. I’m not trying to be obnoxious. I’m trying to be honest.

Tuesday night we went to a sporting event at a very popular arena with some very popular players. I didn’t care much to go to begin with, but hey, it’s spring break.

But I felt as uncomfortable there as I did in that movie theater.

After the event, we went to grab a bite at a place that was open late. Driving by it to find parking, there was such loud music blasting from the joint, I thought it was a club.

Great.

Lo and behold, it was a restaurant and a bar, and it was happy hour.

Que the uncomfortable feelings again.

Well why didn’t you just leave?

I thought of that. In fact, it was even suggested.

But I didn’t.

You see, there is this album that has been on of my favorites these last maybe 6 or so years. It’s accurately titled “The Devil and God Are Waging a War Inside Me.”

Maybe you’ve heard of it, maybe you’ve even heard it.

But that’s exactly how I feel sometimes, like a war is waging inside of me.

You know that peace I was talking about last post? That’s all disrupted when I’m faced with places, people, or things I don’t associate with anymore.

I don’t want to be around those things. I don’t want to deal with it. I just want to run away and disappear, or try to ignore it somehow.

It’s true. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was in my teenage and young adult years, or even 4 years ago. I’m not a progressive thinker when it comes to morality. The truth I believe in is unchangeable and unchanging.

I realize how unpopular that can (and will) make me. I realize I could lose friends, and even family. The trick is not to let it bother me, and not to compromise.

And I’m always reminded that I can’t run away.

Even though I struggle with old desires, the only way people will know that I’m firm in what I believe in is if I’m consistent. I’m not here to play anymore games, to flirt with darkness or my past.

This is why I feel like breaking glass. This is why I want to run away.

But I can’t.

Thanks for reading,

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If What I Have Is Everything, Why Do I Want More?

I used to listen to a certain album a lot back in 2008, and one particular song’s lyrics reminds me of the emotions and internal struggles I felt back then.

The lyrics to the song are: If what I have is everything, why do I want more?

I remember posting those lyrics as a Facebook status one day. Someone asked me what it meant.

Oh it’s just from a song, I replied.

But to everyone who read it, it probably screamed of deep-rooted unhappiness they felt I was hiding.

And boy, I was hiding it. Though I didn’t really accept it at the time.

Who really wants to admit they’re not happy living their life of pleasure?

But I was unhappy. Of course, at the time I’m thinking, “Heck yeah I’m happy. I’m doing what I want and living the life I want.”

I was a little reckless. I did what felt good in the moment. The spark of rebellion was lit at fifteen, and I thought I’d never want to turn away from that partying life I chose. (Cue the “Pleasure Island” song from Geppetto lol).

But then the unhappiness hit. I’d cry. I’d doubt. I’d sit in my room after some thrilling thing I did and think (but never express out loud) “What’s wrong with me? I have everything, and I’m doing everything I want. Yet I feel like something is missing. Like I’m incomplete.”

That cycle continued until I was about 21 years old. It was then when I knew what I was missing. I didn’t have God in my life. And He was tugging at my heartstrings. (Thank God for my praying sister and mother!) That’s when I knew I had to start listening to that tug.

So I started receiving Bible studies. I started attending church. I made changes. I stopped hanging out with certain people, stopped doing certain things.

But my journey was a rollercoaster, of course. I was faced with all kinds of temptations, going back and forth between my old life and my new life.

I had to ask myself: What am I doing? If I am going to commit to God, I need to stop with this back-and-forth nonsense.

And friends, God is good. He has called me out of the darkness and into His marvelous light. He filled that void I had in my heart and in my life. He helps me get through struggles when I’m tempted and fills me with hope when I’m hopeless.

I didn’t have that before.

And I could never go back to my old lifestyle again.

Never!! Because if I did, I’d be choosing gross fast food over a gourmet four-course meal!

I didn’t have everything I wanted before because I didn’t have Him. And I wanted more out of life. But nothing this world as to offer will ever be good enough.

Nothing.

We miss so much of what God has to offer because we think He is cruel/doesn’t exist/is for stupid, uneducated people.

I can’t convince you. It’s not my job to convince you. But it is my job to share Christ and to share His love and light, to share what He has done for me.

Look up and trust, friends.

Until next,